They need to experience the fun of soaping up your partner, then cleaning them off in the shower and having the reciprocate.

Although your butt is not, the vagina actually is self cleaning.

I though women has cloths for everything? One for face, one for feet, one for rest of body and may be one for butt. One for washing dishes, one for pots and pans, one for drying. Men, if they use anything at all, would be a single cloth for everything. I use facial scrubs, so I don't need to keep and wash cloths.

This was too funny!

How old is Marshall? Teach him how to wipe...problem solved. And yes everyone should clean their butt with soap, at least.

listen, just so there is no confusion and i'm treating this post as a public service that will help us all - you need to clean your ass. that's where the shit comes out of and if you clean nothing else, you need to clean that. not a surface cleaning, a deep and thorough cleansing such that the "eye that never sleeps" looks like a shiny new button, get me?

i take the subway and damn if there aren't some people who don't do this. when you sit day after day with your face at ass level, you wish the CDC would put an ad out for butt hygene or something

listen, just so there is no confusion and i'm treating this post as a public service that will help us all - you need to clean your ass. that's where the shit comes out of and if you clean nothing else, you need to clean that. not a surface cleaning, a deep and thorough cleansing such that the "eye that never sleeps" looks like a shiny new button, get me?

i take the subway and damn if there aren't some people who don't do this. when you sit day after day with your face at ass level, you wish the CDC would put an ad out for butt hygene or something

Seems like common sense to keep a seperate set of linens for one's clients...Or maybe I'm just anal. (Bad pun intended).

Oh come on, whatever! Does all your asses leak or something? Yeah it's normal to wash your ass Externally, like what else do you use your bidet for! (Well bidets are good for feet too, like if you moisturised all over including feet but then remember you gotta put some blister plasters on and they won't stick if you try to do that on top of moisturised skin). Anyway. To internally wash out ones ass is really not something I believe the majority of people spend time doing. Unless I'm going to work I don't poke a soapy finger in there! I find that when I do it appears rather "clean" anyway. What exactly are you all washing out on a daily basis? Ass bacteria is always gonna exist in your anal passage so a bit of soap aint gonna rid you of that and if your shit aint coming out in a clean way but leaves a whole lotta residue smeared all over your immediate insides you might wanna check out your diet...........

I personally clean front AND back when I shower. I like to be squeaky clean all over.

Your goal is to fix yoru problems with the gods and get off Planet Earth BEFORE you get married so you can raise your children in a happy, healthy enviornment.

Manifest Destiny dictates a white-man's prophecy - White-man's world, white-man's Apocolypse

The Italian boot proves premediation AND active invovlement.
The gods are doing this to us with Artificial Intelligence. There is no such thing as middle management.

Yes, they WOULD beem a brain into a brain-less clone prior to a CAT scan:::
1. Had Hurricane Ivan DESTROY Grand Cayman (1999 vacation) and slice up through the middle of Alabama a mere six months after I was there.
2. Had Hurricane Wilma move up through the Carribean and park on Cozumel (2002 vacation) for TWO FULL DAYS
3. Used Oakland A's to send a clue (dynasty, win only in crisis, chokers), and to deliver the desired message they inflicted the Loma Prieta Earthquake of 1989.
4. Dog food poisoning 2007
5. E-coli spinish issue of 2006
6. Obviously, they love to be malicious and vindictive.
6. Hawaiian earthquake after Hawaiian jewelry store.
7. Hawaiian flooding 2006
8. Local flooding 2006, including Devil's Slide
9. Lake effect snow event of 2007 because I enjoyed the humor behind it
10. I often expressed I enjoy the dynamics/news coverage of hurricanes…
11. Six within the last year. There were a whole lot more little ones in the years preceeding.
12.
13.
14.
Or, more appropriately::::
111.
112.
113.
114.
The whole thing was to enhance boss.
They position this like the role players were here to help me, "save me from myself", when in reality using these brain-less clones ensured the most minimal of effect.

The Jews showed you boss wasn't going to happen with the Quasi-Holocaust claim. They will emphisize to the bitter end that there is no pattern of Jewish clues.
Because there is still one clue outstanding, those most important clue:::::World War II's Holocaust.

They will lie to the disfavored until the Apocalypse for it will ensure a supermajority of them die, relying on this relationship until the bitter end, likely positioning this to the disfavored by using me to continue this boss theater.

Austrian Sigmund Freud is known as the father of psychoanalysis, yet people have (mental) health problems because of their disfavor, illustrating the preditory purpose of this discipline, this individual.
These people.
Of course Hitler was Austrian. Glock, maker of the semi-automatic gun favored by black street gangs such as the Bloods and the Crips, is Austrian.
RedBull Energy drink, Buwdeiser both Austrian.

The Holocaust was foreshadowing, yet another example of the Jews sacrificing to help the disfavored::::
1. 1492 exodus from Spain. Spain became evil - financed Columbus, initiated missionaries, USA (dumping ground of disfavored victimized by god), etc.
2. Spread throughout Europe as clue to Christians worshipping a false god.
3. "Quasi-Holocaust claim" contradicting boss.
4. 5. 6. 7. etc. etc. etc.
The Apocalypse (or an Apocalyptic event) will be initiated by an Austrian. When the national referendum to allow foreign-born individuals to run for president is introduced I recommend you DEFY and vote NO!! In the years prior to this vote the gods will send POWERFUL clues suggesting the IMPORTANCE OF DEFIANCE.

It will be the Koreans (instead of Nazis). There won't even be any invasion:::They gods will scapegoat them telepathically::::
Black people like the ones who terrorized Korean businesses during the 1992 riots in California will be executed. I have personal reinforcing evidence:::::
This time the holocaust will be black.
Don't be suprised if reparations are dispersed shortly after the black holocaust, capturing those whom escaped their wrath.

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Italy's boot is a clue showing the god's intent with the Romans AND their active involvement::The gods imparted wisdom in the Bible.
Oshkosh is a clue just as Lake Michigan and Green Bay are clues. It is the ejaculate clue:::Life springs forth from this region.
Expect your traditional Second Coming of Christ to come from the region. Consistant with the possibility of matrilinial lineage it may be the mother's family from the Lake Winnebago area fulfilling some "Manifest Destiny" bullshit theater::::You see Manifest Destiny all around you (corporate).
Manifest Destiny dictates a white-man's prophecy:::::White-man's world, white-man's Apocolypse.

This isn’t about reals and clones. This is about the brains and the brain-less:::The brain-less are people whose families have been OUT FOR GENERATIONS, families lucky enough to avoid this disturbing age and its accompanying abuses. ALL of them got out back when they were peasants, even the royal families and Pharrohs, and the gods used these tools to create this stratigic history here on Earth:::::There is no such thing as middle management.
This is the key which unlocks the god’s puzzle.

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The Simpsons offered many clues to the disfavored, not the least of which ARE the frequent references to "pack/mob mentality".

ANYTIME you feel "peaked", experience craving or ANY thought disturbance where you want or like something irrationally (ex:::Halloween, Harley Davidson (theme:::Halloween colors), Dale Earnhardt) IT IS THEM TRYING TO HURT YOU!!!!!! "Magic" is used EXCLUSIVELY to hurt the disfavor:::The fuel of disfunction::::::addiction, homosexuality, crack babies.
In times past when gods felt more generous they employed their powers to help the disfavored (geographical clues, Moses's miracles), but as time went on the gods only used their power to HURT the disfavored (1906, boss, disturbing use of "magic").
There are subtle (sub)conscious tactics they can employ with the computer to make you think as if you are cooperating when they really are pushing you into your offense.

People were pushed into having gay experiences because their parents were sell-out whores.
People were pushed into being sell-out whores because their parents sold their blood line down the river in the early 20th century.
People were pushed into selling their blood line down the river because they didn’t pray.
Man hasn’t prayed to god for thousands of years but we have to pay in this manner because we have the unenviable distinction of living in this day and age, this heightened standard justified with the 20th century life of comfort such as indoor plumbing, refidgeration, canned foods.
The gods pushed people into being gay then murdered them with AIDS.

Women are the favored gender:::Those who understand what it means to be a woman are already halfway there.
The purpose of the masculinization of women of the last 40 years was to pave the way (justification) for The End, for it collectively brought mankind's favor down.

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HOW TO PRAY:::1. I'm sorry for what I've done wrong. 2. I don't want to sccumb to temptation and make any more mistakes. 3. I want to fix my problems. 4. Please don't hurt me.

We will ALL be held to the responsibilities entrusted to us, no matter what temptations contradict this.

If you don't do the right thing you're going to do the wrong thing, and the right thing to do is to ACTIVELY fix your problems and pursue the favor of the gods.
The gods imparted wisdom in the Bible to help teach people the right way to live:::Tempation will be used to test you. You have to be willing to tell them "No." If you "think right" you may envoke their mercy.
You will never get off Planet Earth unless you are "thinking right", so you should focus on it.
If you're not working hard to fix your problems, if you don't creatively work to get the hell off Earth then you will be consumed by it, by the reverse positioning-institutions they instilled as temptations::::popular culture, democracy, materialism.

I have put forth indisputable evidence, as you see above with the Jews. The gods will never admit any of it is true, ever. YOU HAVE TO DEFY!!!! They will lie to you up until bitter end::::This tactic will ensure they claim a HUGE percentage of the disfavored, for so many refuse to defy and this will ensure they don't go.

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My best adivce to you all would be understand what I say is true then WITHDRAW, not only from this plethora of detail (for updating the disfavored is one way to distract AND you should never be so arrogant to think you are entitled to understand the god's behavior) but also from this cancerous culture. Pursue the truth that you just learned and work hard to repair your relationship with the gods. Understand how these corrupt institutions (democracy, materialism/greed, education) affect your life and save what clues they will offer you for when you REALLY need them. Be very attentive and gracious, for you are counting on their generosity.
If you are good and decent and respectable you won't want to hear about all this. If you do desire to hear more take it as a clue, for it is a symptom::::They are peaking you euphorically, and this "magic" is used to hurt the disfavored.
Understand how the corrupted INSTITUTIONS affect your life and make the appropriate changes. For example, they use democracy to justify instructing the computer to create a sense of empowerment. If you recognize this you are better able to overcome the damaging effects.
The gods will want to know who I helped and how they are doing. If people begin with my teachings they will be on a list that the gods will PERSONALLY look in on. The numbers of people who pursue the path immediatley after I illustrate it will be very small due to their minimization tactics, and they will be members of an elite group.
Remember::The gods only use their powers to hurt the disfavored, and everything involved in this Situation are all good examples. Please let me remind you the Jews sacrificed, illustrating to people that boss wasn't going to happen, showing the world that all these popular culture elements associated with the Situaiton were the gods employing their powers to prey on the disfavored keping them captivated for over 30 years now.

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1. Corporate sourcing violently punished::::
They suggest the whole "sourcing" era, where it is positioned that their brain-less clones obtained product from China and other Asian countries for the lowest possible price, will be punished violently if the gods elect to employ the "Asian invasion" script::::
One of the reasons it was so important to get out before 1980 (important to get out before the end of each 20-year war-revelry cycle - 1960, 1980, 2000, 2020, etc).

2. Deception of Southern rednecks to blame for Republican control:::::
Republicans, party of preditory disfavored, keep guns available. Easy gun availablility is an "open door" for the gods, a tool used to prey on the disfavored.
Republicans, party of preditory disfavored, gave you the distraction that was the Clinton impeachment theater 1998.
Republican loyalty is why noone cares that rednecks are set up for the slaughter.
Democrats good. Liberalism evil.

Kosher is a favor bestowed upon the Jews. The South eats LOTS of pork and there is an oyster bar on every corner:::::It's like liquor stores in the ghetto.
The gods have quite a sophisticated taste for irony:::::The Jew takes boss by calling in the Quasi-Holocaust claim.

The gods got rid of the retarded woman who lived across the street, prior to the fall of 2006 so their handiwork wouldn't stare them in the face while there was so much attention.
The gods took similar evansive manuvers w/ bi-racial so they could continue using this open door to victimize the disfavored.

American space tourist returned after 13 days in space::::"The first thing he noticed about Earth was the smell."
They don't want people coming back or watching. They WILL do things like this:::The intent is to prevent people from returning (favorite expeiences) or watching proceedings on Earth (following and complaining about their family/the Second Coming of Christ and subsequent Apocalypse, which has been HIGHLY anticipated for centuries).
Many of these families are in trouble, and disregard for their descendants causes them to fall further into disfavor.
This is merely one piece of evidence proving my Situation had to fail:::It would have commanded much attention from the other planets. Now I exposed the Second Coming of Christ in the most undramatic of ways, and since this is end of 20-year war-revelry cycle distraction theater targetting the "bottom of the barrel" these families teetering on the fence won't watch.
Won't complain about their descendants.
And it is win-win for the gods, for they manufactured a scapegoat and now it is all my fault.

Understand not only how things REALLY are, the gods actively manage Earth with their brain-less clones, but also realize their positioning, for it will help you interpret their clues. For example::::"Manifest Destiny dictates a white-man's prophecy - White-man's world, white-man's Apocolypse" is very real and we see it around us every day. It is not isolated here in the United States:::"westernization" has infested the entire world. This is a clue, and how the book of Revelations reads is what IS going to happen.

Bill Clinton wasn't impeached because he lied.
Bill Clinton wasn't impeached because he was orally copulated.
Bill Clinton was impeached because it was 1998.
It was end of 20-year war-revelry cycle distraction theater, of which there are MANY examples::: Brought to you by the party of the preditory disfavored, the Republican party.

Apex of irony in the Situaiton:::Jew calls in Quasi-Holocaust claim and takes boss, re-igniting the flames of anti-Semitism among blacks in the crucial years before the black holocaust.

Oh, great story!

13 WORST SCIENCE JOBS
ELEPHANT VASECTOMIST
What’s one foot across and sits behind two inches of skin, four inches of fat and 10 inches of muscle? That’s right: an elephant’s testicle. Which means veterinarian Mark Stetter’s newest invention—a four-foot-long fiber-optic laparoscope attached to a video monitor—has to be a heavy-duty piece of equipment to sterilize a randy bull pachyderm. Stetter, the head doc at Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida, created the device to help control elephants in African wildlife parks, where the jumbos have been breeding too quickly and eating up more than their share of the surrounding habitat. The snipping began last summer when Stetter and his team field-tested the device on four unsuspecting bulls at the Welgevonden Private Game Reserve in South Africa. After a pachyderm was sedated with a dart from a helicopter, the team used a crane truck to pull the sleeping beast upright. Four-inch incisions were made, and the laparoscope was inserted into the abdomen near the reproductive organs (an elephant’s testicles are on the inside, like ovaries). When he located the centimeter-thick vas deferens—the tube that carries semen from the testicles to the penis—Stetter inserted a long pair of scissors through the scope and cut out a two- or three-inch section. So far, the method seems to be working. The first four test subjects survived the ordeal with no complications (except the possibility of bruised pride). If things go the way Stetter plans, elephants throughout southern Africa will soon be crossing their legs in fear: He has begun training other field vets to perform the procedure, and hopes to have multinational trials up and running soon.
ORANGUTAN-PEE COLLECTOR
Their work is noninvasive—for the apes, that is . . . "Have I been pissed on? Yes," says anthropologist Cheryl Knott of Harvard University. Knott is a pioneer of "noninvasive monitoring of steroids through urine sampling." Translation: Look out below! For the past 11 years, Knott and her colleagues have trekked into Gunung Palung National Park in Borneo, Indonesia, in search of the endangered primates. Once a subject is spotted, they deploy plastic sheets like a firemen's rescue trampoline and wait for the tree-swinging apes to go see a man about a mule. For more pee-catching precision, they attach bags to poles and follow beneath the animals. "It's kind of gross when you get hit, but this is the best way to figure out what's going on in their bodies," Knott says.
ANAL-WART RESEARCHER
”I see about 15 butts a day, and a third of them have warts,„ says nurse practitioner Naomi Jay of the University of California at San Francisco. Jay and infectious-disease doc Joel Palefsky were the first to run extensive clinical studies on the sexually transmitted diseases that afflict the anus. ”He’s the tushie king, and I’m the tushie queen,„ Jay boasts. Each of us has about a 10 percent lifetime risk of contracting anal warts, the worst variety of which—enemy number one storming the battlements of Jay’s royal domain—is human papillomavirus. This same STD that can cause cervical cancer in women also causes anal cancer in both genders. And the only way to detect this rare but deadly disease is to ask a highly trained nurse like Jay to scrutinize your derrière. ”A giant anal wart can be a couple inches large and blocking the anal opening,„ Jay says with her customary vigor. The bright side? ”In 13 years I’ve only been pooped on twice, and that’s not bad.„
SEMEN WASHERS
It's a job that separates the boys from the men, OK, OK, their real job title is usually something like "cryobiologist" or "laboratory technician," but at sperm banks around the country, they are known as semen washers. "Every time I interview someone I make sure I ask them, 'Do you know you'll be working with semen?' " says Diana Schillinger, the Los Angeles lab manager at the country's largest sperm bank, California Cryobank. Let's start at the beginning. Laboriously prescreened "donors" emerge from a so-called collection room that is stocked with girlie mags and triple-X DVDs. They hand over their deposit, get their $75, and leave. The semen washers take the seminal goo and place a sample under the microscope for a sperm count. Next comes the washing. The techs spin the sample in a centrifuge to separate the "plasma" from the motile cells. Then they add a preservative, and it's off to the freezer, where it can stay for 20 years. Or not. Thanks to semen washers (and in vitro fertilization), more than 250,000 babies have been delivered in the U.S. since 1995.
"The hardest part is explaining it to friends," Schillinger says. "But we do have stories." Like what? "Like the donor who was in the room for the longest time. We had a big discussion about who was going to check on him. Turns out he thought he had to fill up the entire specimen cup."
WHALE FECES RESEARCHER
They scoop up whale dung, then dig through it for clues
”Brown stain ahoy!„ is not the cry most mariners long to hear, but for Rosalind Rolland, a senior researcher at the New England Aquarium in Boston, it’s a siren song. Rolland, along with a few lucky research assistants, combs Nova Scotia’s Bay of Fundy looking for endangered North Atlantic right whales. Actually, she’s not really looking for the whales—just their poo. ”It surprised even me how much you can learn about a whale through its feces.„
Rolland pioneered whale-feces research in 1999. By 2003, she was frustrated by the small number of samples her poo patrol was collecting by blindly chasing whales on the open ocean. So she began taking along sniffer dogs that can detect whale droppings from as far as a mile away. When they bark, she points her research vessel in the direction of the brown gold, and as the boat approaches the feces—the excrement usually stays afloat for an hour after the deed is done and can be bright orange and oily depending on the type of plankton the whale feeds on—Rolland and her crew begin scooping up as much matter as they can using custom-designed nets. Samples are then placed in plastic jars and packed in ice (the largest chunks are just over a pound) to be shared with other researchers across North America. ”We’ve literally been in fields of right-whale poop,„ she marvels.
In the past few years, other whale researchers have adopted Rolland’s methods. Nick Gales of the Australia Antarctic Division now plies the Southern Ocean looking for endangered blue-whale dung, a pursuit that in 2003 led him to a scientific first. While tailing a minke whale, Gale’s team photographed what is believed to be the first bout of whale flatulence caught on film—a large, disconcertingly pretty bubble trailing behind the whale like an enormous jellyfish. ”We stayed away from the bow after taking the picture,„ Gales recalls. ”It does stink.„

TAMPON SQUEEZER
If you’re interested in researching vaginal infections, you can do scrapes or urine tests, or you can draw samples with a pipette. Or you can collect your specimens from tampons. As Australian microbiologist Suzanne Garland and her team at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Victoria discovered, tampons are best for epidemiological studies of sexually transmitted diseases in large populations, because women are more likely to cooperate with a test that is familar and self-inserted rather than one that must be administered by a doctor.
Normally, researchers would use a centrifuge to extract fluids to be tested. But this is the one way in which the tampon is not an optimal specimen-collecting tool, because its true purpose is to hold liquid in. ”Optimal recovery,„ Garland says, ”requires manual squeezing.„
HAZMAT DIVER
”The worst was at a factory pig farm,„ says Steven M. Barsky, the author of Diving in High-Risk Environments, the industry bible for hazardous-materials divers. ”A guy had driven his truck into the waste lagoon and drowned. Not only was it full of urine and liquid pig feces, the farmer had dumped all the needles used to inject the pigs with antibiotics and hormones in there.„ Someone had to recover the body, and the task fell to commercial hazmat divers.
Outfitted with fully encapsulating drysuits, these Jacques Cousteaus of the sewers swim into clouds of waste, inside nuclear reactors and through toxic spills on America’s coasts and inland waterways. When the Environmental Protection Agency identifies pollutants, it contracts with a hazmat team to clean things up. That means using giant vacuums to suck up a polluted lakebed, hoisting leaking barrels to the surface, or diving into the heart of an oil spill or into a sewer to fix a clog. It’s dangerous work—one breach in the drysuit, and a whole stew of bacteria and toxins can fill ’er up. Jesse Hutton, of Ballard Salvage and Diving in Seattle, has seen his share of close calls. ”I’ve been on jobs where suits have been breached by rough steel or something sharp,„ he says, pointing out that divers must keep their shots up to date.
MANURE INSPECTOR
The smell is just the start of the nastiness. Almost 1.5 billion tons of manure are produced annually by animals in this country—90 percent of it from cattle. That's the same weight as 14,432 Nimitz-class aircraft carriers. You get the point: It's a load of crap. And it's loaded with nasty contaminants like campylobacter (the number-one cause of acute gastroenteritis in the U.S.), salmonella (the number-two cause) and E.coli 0157:H7, which can cause kidney failure in children and painful, bloody diarrhea in everybody else.
Farmers fertilize their fields with manure, but if the excrement is rife with E.coli, then so will be the vegetables. Luckily for us, researchers at the University of Georgia's Center for Food Safety are knee-deep in figuring out how to eliminate these bacteria from our animals, their poop and our food. But to develop techniques to neutralize the nasty critters, they must go to the source.
"We have to wade through a lot of poop," concedes Michael Doyle, the center's director. "If you want to get the manure, you've got to grab it. Even when you wear gloves, the fecal smell tends to get embedded in your skin." Hog poop smells the worst, Doyle says, but it's chicken poop's chokingly high ammonia content that brings tears to researchers' eyes.
FLATUS ODOR JUDGE
Odor judges are common in the research labs of mouthwash companies, where the halitosis-inflicted blow great gusts of breath in their faces to test product efficacy. But Minneapolis gastroenterologist Michael Levitt recently took the job to another level—or, rather, to the other end. Levitt paid two brave souls to indulge repeatedly in the odors of other people's farts. (Levitt refuses to divulge the remuneration, but it would seem safe to characterize it thusly: Not enough.) Sixteen healthy subjects volunteered to eat pinto beans and insert small plastic collection tubes into their anuses (worst-job runners-up, to be sure). After each "episode of flatulence," Levitt syringed the gas into a discrete container, rigorously maintaining fart integrity. The odor judges then sat down with at least 100 samples, opened the caps one at a time, and inhaled robustly. As their faces writhed in agony, they rated just how noxious the smell was. The samples were also chemically analyzed, and—eureka!—Levitt determined definitively the most malodorous component of the human flatus: hydrogen sulfide.

DYSENTERY STOOL-SAMPLE ANALYZER
In the early '80s, Virginia Tech profs Tracy Wilkins and David Lyerly studied the diarrhea-causing microbe Clostridium difficile in sample after sample after sample of loose stool from the disease's victims. They became such crack dysentery docs that they launched a company, Techlab, dedicated to making stool-analysis kits. Today, Techlab employs 40 people, 19 of whom spend their working hours opening sloppy stool canisters and analyzing their contents in order to test the effectiveness of the company's kits. You'd have to have a pretty good sense of humor, right? Well, fortunately, they do. The Techlab Web site sells T-shirts with cartoons on the front (two flies hover over two blobs of dung; one says to the other, "Pardon me, is this stool taken?") and the company motto on the back: "Techlab: #1 in the #2 Business!"

BARNYARD MASTURBATOR
Researchers who want animal sperm —to study fertility or for artificial insemination—have a suite of attractive options: They can ram an electric probe up an animal's rectum, shove an artificial vagina onto the animal's penis, or simply do it the old-fashioned way—manual stimulation. The first option, electroejaculation, uses a priapic rectal probe to send electricity pulsing through the animal's nether regions. "All the normal excitatory signals that stimulate ejaculation, like touch, sight, sound and smell, can be replaced with the current from the probe," says Trish Berger, professor of animal science at the University of California, Davis. "It's fascinating. Of course, this is a woman talking." Electroejaculation generally requires anesthetizing the animal and is typically used on zoo dwellers. The other two methods—the artificial vagina, or AV, and the good old hand—require that animals be trained to the procedure.

The AV—a large latex tube coated with warm lubricant —is used primarily to get sperm from dairy bulls (considered the most ornery and dangerous of bovines). The bull gets randy with a steer; when he mounts the steer with his forelegs, a brave technician, AV in hand, insinuates himself between the two aroused beasts and deftly redirects the bull penis into the mock genitalia, which he must then hold tight while the bull orgasms. (Talk about bull riding!) Three additional technicians attempt to ensure this (fool)hardy soul's safety by anchoring themselves to restraining ropes attached to a ring in the bull's nose. Alas, this isn't always absolutely effective: Everyone who's wielded an AV has had at least one close call, and more than a few have been sent to the hospital. The much safer "digital pressure" is used mostly with pigs, who are trained from an early age to mount a small bench while the researcher reaches around with a gloved hand and provides appropriate pleasure—er, pressure.

WORM PARASITOLOGIST
Studying worm parasites isn’t nearly as bad as playing host to them. But here’s an essential distinction: The medicos who go into this line—God bless ’em—do it by choice. Supported by the World Health Organization and various international charities, they travel to the tropics to eradicate diseases that afflict millions of people. Yet although we’re regularly treated to tales of Ebola warriors, we rarely hear about the tribulations of the worm docs.

For instance . . . Ascaris lumbricoides eggs hatch in the small intestine, then migrate to the lungs; they’re coughed into the mouth and swallowed back to the gut, where each worm will grow as long as 16 inches and where each female will lay billions of eggs to be defecated forth so that a new cycle of life can begin. (The adults can exit this way too, in a large bolus that resembles a tangle of spaghetti.) The Wuchereria bancrofti worm sometimes settles in the scrotum, where it blocks the flow of lymph. This can result in elephantiasis, a wretched condition that features scrotal swelling to jack-o’-lantern proportions and an infection that reeks of death. Moving right along . . . the female Dracunculus medinensis migrates from the gut to a point just under the skin of, say, a leg, where she then commences growth to a length of as great as three feet, and where, ultimately, she lays her eggs.

When the thousands of babies make their joyous arrival, they blister the skin and pop through, leaving Mom behind. The traditional way to get rid of her is to wrap her head around a stick and twist very slowly—one turn of the stick per day—for weeks or months, depending on how long she is. (This treatment is so old that it inspired the ancient snake-and-pole aesculapius symbol of medicine.)

CARCASS CLEANER
Natural history museums display clean white skeletons or neatly stuffed animals, but what their field biologists drag in are carcasses flush with rotting flesh. Each museum's taxidermist has his own favorite technique for tidying things up. University of California, Berkeley, zoologist Robert Jones swears by his strain of flesh-eating buffalo-hide beetles and has no problem reaching his bare hand into a drawer to pull out a rancid shrew skeleton swarming with thousands of these quarter-inch bugs. Jeppe Møhl at the University of Copenhagen Zoological Museum deposits sperm whales and dolphins into vast empty tanks and lets nature take its course. And then there's the boiling method, useful for chemically preserved samples that bugs won't touch—an approach favored by archaeologist Sandra Olsen, who has done her own skeleton work. She recalls a particularly vivid experience boiling down hyena paws: "It felt like inhaling the gases would literally kill us." Nah. It merely gave her a lung infection.

I wish more men cleaned their butts. What a lucky girl!