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A New York Escorts Confessions

Bad Sex

Something happened the other day.

God knows I’ve had my share of, let’s call it C+ sex. You know it—the ‘going through the motions sex’. It’s a mechanical exercise—a thing of assembly. Insert part A into part B. It’s easy to zone out during the whole thing and think instead of what you need at the grocery and if you have time to hit the vinyasa 2-3 class when you forgot to make a
reservation that past morning.

But then there’s bad sex, the kind that leaves you feeling dirty, stupid, or worst of all shamed. I haven’t felt that feeling in so long…

And I’m not sure what set me off this time. I was with Z, someone new. Everything had been going along pretty well. But there was something about the way, what exactly? The way he touched me with the long nails on his right hand, his guitar strumming hand? The way he grunted, was that familiar, incisive? All I know is it suddenly wasn’t him under me; it was Harry.

Yes, Harry, a twenty-five year old music agent, someone I dated a little over eight years ago. And let me tell you—if you had seen this guy strutting from out of a crowd, his leather jacket showing off his broad shoulders, the 5:00 shadow that made him look like he could book a Schick commercial in a heartbeat, you would have never guessed his name was Harry. Something Biblical like Daniel maybe or Romance-novel masculine, like Harley. But the second I saw him, my body went into overdrive. I became wet. My nipples hardened, my back arched slightly. And if there is such a thing as phermones, Harry was sensing mine pretty loud and clear.

I couldn’t wait to have sex with him. And yet, whenever we were together, just kissing, or maybe brushing past each other, there was something that tightened inside of me. I felt like there was a part of him that wanted to force an entry, break me down, expose me before I was ready. Again, it was just a vague sort of feeling, but one that I could never quite block out or dismiss.

As we got closer and closer to having sex, my hesitation only got stronger. One time in the middle of the day we snuck back to his apartment. He took off my shirt, my bra, and I started to run my nipple from the base of his cock down to the very tip. I pushed my breast together, surrounded him, began to caress him back and forth. He sat up abruptly, thrust me back, practically sneered and said, “You’re not going to do that again are you?”

I can’t tell you the shame I felt in that moment. Like I had been doing it wrong all along. That I was awkward, unsexy, stupid, foolish, just…stupid. So stupid I ended up having sex with him just to prove to him that I wasn’t any of those things. which of course made me feel all of them even more, ever more intensely.

Harry broke up with me a week later to go out with a girl who, rumor had it, had slept with the head of her company to get the job she held. Two months later she dumped him and four months after that Harry was fired—after punching out the glass in the door of his office. He was just an angry, unhappy guy. It wasn’t—

“Alexa,” Z said, breaking the silence. “Are you there?”

“What—what?”

“It looked like I lost you for a minute. You good?”

I was good all right, once I realized where I was. But I’m telling you, the whole thing was so completely out of body. Anyone else been assaulted by The Ghost of Sexual Past at just the wrong moment?

Comments

oh god....that sucks.

are you gonna see this guy again?

Posted by Ashley on Oct 17 08:00PM

I've been assulted by the ghost of sexual past. Quite often whomever I'm dating at the time reminds me of someone from my past, and some bad incident I'd rather not recall. Unfortunatly, sometimes it leaves me crying.

Posted by Ashley on Oct 18 04:29PM

I'd have to agree with ashley on this one. The worse times that it comes up is when you are actually happy(or during other times I won't mention), almost as if it was saying, "I can still screw with you". It's scary, odd, and instead of making me cry, it makes me freeze out(space out) for the duration of the day.

Posted by Monica on Oct 30 07:07PM

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