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A New York Escorts Confessions
Do Not Try This At Home
I could tell I was in trouble at the beginning of the phone call.
“A-lex-a,” X said, drawing out the syllables. “Do you know there’s—”
“Yup.” I said, cutting him off. “So where would you like us to meet tonight?”
X and I have been dating casually for a while now. Unfortunately, my attempt at distraction didn’t work. He soon began to sing:
“Well I’m on the Downeaster Alexa
And I’m cruising through la la la la
I have charted la la la la la la—”
Okay. It’s bad enough sharing a name with a mediocre Billy Joel song. What sucks even more is no one actually knows the words to said mediocre song past the title line.
Ugh. Poor me.
X didn’t let his lack of knowledge stop him from la-la-la-ing his way through several more refrains.
“That’s lovely really but—”
“You know he named it after his daughter?”
Let me state this as baldly as possible. If there is a song where our name is mentioned? Yeah. We know everything about it. We’ve suffered through years of inept men trying to awkwardly serenade us. We’ve bared the brunt of picking up prescriptions while goofy pharmacists chirped the lyrics at us. While the Fed Ex guy hummed and winked in our general direction. And while, yes, the gynecologist gave us a pelvic exam.
I’m not the only one who hates this with a passion. Take my friend Sherry. “Oh God. Don’t even get me started. Three different fucking songs I have to deal with. “Sherry baby” from the 50’s, Stevie Wonder’s “Ma Cherie Amour”—
“It’s a classic.”
“It’s insipid. ‘Oh Sherry’—.”
Ooh. I had to agree with her there. Steve Perry sans Journey. Ick.
I know I don’t have the worst cross to bear here. In a horrible burst of irony, my older second cousin, Scott accidentally sliced through one of the tendons in his finger when he was playing with his father’s butterfly knife. They had to put his arms in one of those hard casts that was propped up by a metal bracket, so it was constantly at 90 degrees. On top of that, his finger was placed at a perpendicular by a wire. He had to wear the crazy contraption for over a month.
Right when the Bangles came out with their hit “Walk Like An Egyptian”.
As for X, much to my horror, by the time I met him in Soho at Pao! he had actually taken the time to learn the words. Which he proceeded to tailor to our evening:
“Well I’m with my Upper Wester Alexa
And I’m cruising from Long Island Sound
I have charted a course to Tribeca
‘Cause tonight I am New York City bound.”
I laughed politely and tried to change the subject. When that didn’t work, I ordered a fair amount of caipirinhas so either I’d get drunk enough not to care, or he’d get drunk enough to cease and desist. No dice there either. As I got my coat, X whisper-sang into my ear:
“So now I’ll take my Upper Wester Alexa
And I go where the ocean is deep
There are giants out there in the canyons—”
At ‘giants’ he creatively pressed against me just so I’d get his meaning. I moved away before he could illustrate ‘canyons’.
But X had saved his finale for the bedroom of his friend’s pied a terre in the Village where he proceeded to thrust to the beat:
“So if you see my Downeaster Alexa-a-a-a
And if you work with the rod—uhhh—and a a a feeeeeel
Ahhh tell-my-wife I am trolling Atlantisuhhhhhhhh—”
Hmmm. Guess I’ll never know the end to that verse.
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confessionsComments
Thank God David really isnt a catchy song title. I've never had that problem of people making fun of my name, except when I went to this awkward Bible Study with a friend one time. The kids were all, "Oh, David, as in King David! Ha! Ha! Ha!" and "Hey, David, killed any giants lately?! Ha! Ha! Ha!" It was so retarded.
Posted by David on Mar 21 10:54AMIt could be worse. I have a friend named Charlie Brown. Charlie JAMES Brown. Imagine being asked where Snoopy is all the time.
'Why's everybody always pickin' on' Charlie?
Posted by Autumn on Mar 21 11:17AM"I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex friend
I met her in a hotel lobby
masturbating with a magazine" - Thanks, Prince
"Nikki, it’s you.
Nikki, where can you be?
It’s you, no one but you for me
I’ve been so lonely since you went away.
I won’t spend a happy day
’til you’re back in my arms." - Thanks, Burt
"Not allowed to cry
She only wants to die
Swallowed twenty pills
And it only made her ill
Run Nikki run
Run Nikki run
Run Nikki run
Run Nikki run" - Thanks, Eager to Fly
Oh there's more. Thanks, mom n dad.
Posted by Nikki on Mar 22 01:07AMJust a question - i've never, um, sought services before and i'm really scared of getting arrested for it. is it safe just to call up an escort in the yellow pages? if not, how does one go about it? help grow your industry. :)
thx
Posted by joe on Mar 22 08:47PMMy real name is slightly unusual so there luckily aren't many songs but one lovely fella found an old poem about an irish whore to read romantically to me. Nice.
Posted by singer on Mar 23 03:50PMthe only song I know with my name in it is a punk song titled "Jen Doesn't Like Me Anymore". I'm pretty sure I'm safe from seranades...
Posted by JeN on Mar 24 08:14AMThat's from Less than Jake. I don't think I'd ever sing that to my girlfriend, who is another "Jen". Another bad one is by a band called 33 West. They have a song called Roses where the lead singer kills an ex, and then cuts her up in the bathtub. Not exactly romantic, but certainly paints a picture. I went to middle school with a girl named Layla. Every time Eric Clapton was mentioned she would cringe.
Posted by Mickey C on Mar 24 11:17AMTwo words: Jefferson. Starship.
"Saaaaaaaaaaaaa-raaaaaaaaa.....Saaaaaaaaa-raaaaaaaaaaa.... no time is the riiiiiiiiiight time for goooooood-byeeeeeee."
Puke!
Posted by Sara on Mar 25 07:28PMI have a song for my real name, but thankfully nobody knows it. Even tho Tom Wopat sang a version of it (gah Tom Wopat).
Posted by Sha on Mar 26 05:15AMHahahahaha.. I'm with Sara on that one, was just about to post it and saw it already. LOL.
Posted by Sara on Mar 27 01:25PMHooray for having a name that doesn't seem to be in any songs whatsoever. Though I have a friend who has to suffer through the song "Roxanne" every so often..
Posted by Laurel on Mar 27 02:42PMI've never been more thankful my name was Eric, as boring as it is, until this moment. No Eric songs. Just a Yaz album, which I can live with.
Posted by Eric on Mar 30 12:54AMPost a Comment
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about me
So why am I writing this blog? I have an inner exhibitionist that just needs to be let out. I've always wanted to bare myself completely in front of strangers but have always been held back by fear.
As strange as it may sound, I've never really truly bared myself in front of any of my clients. For all that they've seen, they've never seen me be me. And for all that I've seen, I simply need to share it with you!
So why should you come? To be tantalized and teased. To get release by knowing the true me.
I promise that I won't bite, and if I do bite, I'll make sure you like it!
my favorite posts
- Caveat Vendor - Part II
- Selling Out (Part III)
- Poops!... I Did It Again!
- My First Escorting Experience
- My First Lesbian Experience
- Daddy's Little Girl (Part II)
- Selling Out (Part III)
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Yeah, thats really annoying.
I get the "oh mickey you're so fine....." or "hey it's Mickey blue eyes". "Are you related to a mouse?" "You must REALLY love that beer, you know...... Mickey's"
Ugh.
Posted by Mickey C on Mar 21 10:17AM