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A New York Escorts Confessions

Big

The “my cock is bigger than your cock” battle just took on a whole different scale—one of approximately 38,929 feet.

Square feet that is.

If you look in the New York Times today, there’s an article about a brouhaha brewing in Greenwich, Connecticut, one of the richest towns in the US. A hedge fund manager wants to build a house of epic dimensions—224 feet wide with 11 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms, an indoor pool, a squash court, a golf simulator, a home movie theater, a wine cellar, a billiard room and a five-car garage. And a 1165 square foot poolhouse. Oh. And a beauty parlor. (I know. That one perplexes me too.)

Apparently his adversaries, the ones trying to block him from building his dream, are people much less well off than he is. They only have houses that are say 31,000 square feet.

Listen. I’m a big fan of big. The article made me look around my comfortable 750 square foot one-bedroom apartment and wonder who the hell decided 750 square feet was comfortable?

As Cindy Adams always says, “Only in New York kids. Only in New York.”

Though I pine for the Tribeca loft with bigger closets and a bigger kitchen and a bigger wardrobe and a much bigger checking account though, I don’t know what to say about 38,929 square feet. Or 31,000 square feet for that matter.

Because I’ve been to one of those Greenwich houses for a Christmas party a couple of years in a row now. The wife was another one of those second-wife trophy women with perfect skin, perfect hair, a frozen smile and a frozen gait. She looked prefab somehow. The girl was picture perfect with a taffeta skirt and a big bow in her hair. The nine-year old son had—I kid you not—a page boy haircut. Their family portrait, which was on a marble side table in the parlor, actually scared me. It was so stiff and formal I literally thought it would shatter the glass that encased it.

The house kind of got to me too. Maybe it’s because we as New Yorkers are so used to cramped spaces that in a way, we’re sort of comforted by them too. But I don’t know…does anyone really need a floor to ceiling mural with life sized portraits of their kids cavorting with butterflies in a meadow?

Frankly in real life those kids looked like they were one step away from therapy. I happened to inadvertently stumble into the kitchen, where I saw that each of their schedules and dietary restrictions were printed out and posted on a different refrigerator.

What happens to human beings when they encase themselves in a world with their own gym, their own beauty parlor, their own reality? Think of Michael Jackson. The part of them that’s connected to the rest of the world seems like it dies. Sure they can all have their parties where they raise money for the less fortunate. But they’ll always be one step removed.

Maybe Greenwich should rethink its zoning laws. Not because a particular McMansion mars the view. But because it mars The View.

And I don’t mean the television show.

Comments

What a bore. If you have that much money, you should be out having fun with it.

While the schedule/dietary posting isn't a bad idea (it can be hard for us poor folk, too) the kids are probably already IN therapy or will end up drug addicts (like those Bush kids, you know?)

Posted by Whosyerkitty on Mar 14 12:07PM

39,000 square feet? Pfft. That's just the servant's quarters. Here's a REAL house:

http://maps.google.com/?ll=34.073293,-118.428197&spn=0.001277,0.001837&t=k

56,000 square feet. The largest private residence in California.

And yes, I agree that it's a bit ridiculous.

Posted by Stan on Mar 14 04:18PM

Due to a VERY lucky deal, I lived in a 10,000 sqft house for 2 years, and it was WONDERFUL! Imagine the personal trainer coming to your house, the hairdresser fitting into your schedule, the nail girl coming to you. There is no need to leave the house when you feel bad, look like hell and just want a touch up.

As long as a person can keep a sense of balance in their life, there is NOTHING wrong with some space.

The house in the previous post with 56K sqft is Aaron Spelling's house here in LA. His wife has a wrapping room, just for wrapping presents. Apprently it is her hobby. The extra spce allows for those indulgences.

My guess is that if Mr. Hedge Fund manager can afford a 39K sqft house, it is going to be on a lot that can support the size, and probably have enough privacy that no one can actually see it from the street, so it will not be an eyesore. He has worked hard for his money, or sold his soul to the devil, either way, let him enjoy the spoils!

Posted by Psycho on Mar 14 06:38PM

I dunno... I think living in such a big house is inefficient (you'd need to travel far away to get to the bathroom... etc.)

Also, think of the poor people in the world! The UN has proposed several goals that seem impossible to reach now that billionaires and millionaires are filling their pockets. They need to shell out some dough! (http://www.un.org/millenniumgoals/)

Posted by Rolando Garza on Mar 14 08:09PM

I agree...theres nothing wrong with having a large house. Just make sure you dont go overboard. I mean, 16 bathrooms?! Come on...

Having a lot of space is great, cuz it's an excuse to buy more stuff, but at some point, you have to realize, just how much is too much?

Posted by David on Mar 15 01:25PM

Being one of the hardworking yet financially-constrained, it's hard for me to think that their lives are somehow worse than mine. I have tried to have empathy but it's difficult to see what you don't have...

Posted by King Kong on Mar 15 01:35PM

Ohhh! Deeep....

jk. Actually Alexis, I totally agree with you. I love to buy pretty things and I would love to own a house, but perhaps it is because I will never have that much money I think it is ridiculous to spend soo much on a house that is sooo big when really, who needs 16 rooms unless you have 15 kids? I think that there are better ways of using money, but living in the US, everyone is entitled to enjoying their money and spending it as they see fit, so...I guess huge houses are inevitable.

Posted by Pablo the Penguin on Mar 15 01:44PM

Interestingly enough, Greenwich has pretty strict zoning laws. You can't just buy a plot of land and build a house on it. So how do people build their dream mansions there? They buy tiny houses and "add on" to them. Technically they are not building a new house so it's allowed.

Posted by SS on Mar 15 04:10PM

I do believe money can buy happiness. But happiness for me isn't necessarily a big house, car, or job title, offspring. STUFF to show for myself.

Posted by Moonlighting Escort on Mar 16 12:19AM

ALEXA! Call M!!

No matter how many new posts you pile over it, you still have his card, he's still waiting for your call. He seems like such a nice man and there's so much potential for the two of you, no matter what your lifestyle is.

Now hop to it girl, I am practically DYING for details :)

~kat

Posted by kat on Mar 16 12:22AM

There is so many other things he could spend his money on like coke.

Posted by wendy on Mar 18 09:39AM

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