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A New York Escorts Confessions

“Lex! What’s happenin’?” He slapped me five. I’ve been Denny’s favorite tenant ever since I made him and the rest of the staff ginger cookies last Christmas. And it wasn’t just that they were good cookies. The doormen, porters, and super were particularly touched since I royally blew the cookies. I had taken the time to get some holiday cookie cutters but had forgotten the proverb that yes Virginia, cookies EXPAND when you put them in the oven. So instead of cute little shapes I got ginger…well, blobs. Denny thought they looked like Rorschach tests. Each time I came down to go out he would pull one out and declare: “Lex, looky—it’s a ginger narwhale!” Or: “Hey hey. I got it. A hockey puck—with the stick still stuck in it, right?” Or: “You know how a cow like eats its cud then spews?”

Tonight though, Denny wasn’t his usual offbeat self. Well maybe he was. But he certainly had something to hide. The second I looked behind his desk he jumped in front of the security cameras.

“Denny…?”

“Alexa…”

“…Whatcha watching?”

“Nothing.”

Uh huh. This was definitely weird. Denny was usually more than happy to tell me what was on his computer at the moment. I think he took the night shift specifically to indulge in his favorite hobby—watching horror movies. Since I myself am a big horror junkie, he was normally more than happy to tell me about all the special features on the reissue of the first The Fog for example.

Only now a quick look at his desk and I could see his computer wasn’t even there. Which was even more odd. Because the other thing I know about Denny is that he checks his Ebay bids on an hourly basis. No way he was going cold turkey.

“…Where’s your computer?”

“Being fixed.”

“You fix your own computer, liar.”

We stared each other down. After a minute though I decided to give up the ghost and go upstairs. After all I had better things to do at 2:00 in the morning than stand in my drafty lobby. Like brush my teeth. “You win,” I said tossing my head.

I walked by the desk when all of a sudden—

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“What? What the hell?” Denny ran around the desk to me. And I slipped around the other side.

I know. I don’t fight fair.

“Alexa! You—”

Whatever I thought was actually behind the desk I wasn’t prepared for what I now saw. Because Denny’s laptop was hooked up to the security monitors by a bunch of wires. And was currently UNDER the desk. With a stack of DVD’s next to it.

“Why are you recording the security camera footage?”

“Shit. You’re not going to tell Stan, are you?”

“I don’t know what you’re doing how could I tell—”

The door buzzed. Denny rushed to the button. A large man came in lugging a suitcase. He looked at me as I stood up from behind the desk. “Hello Mr. Kubovy,” Denny covered. “Welcome home. Do you need help with those bags?”

“That’s all right…”

We waited until we heard the bell of Mr. Kubovy’s elevator going up.

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“Okay…”

He pointed to the monitors. “Okay. You know how these face onto different parts of the streets outside the building right?”

“Yeah”

“Camera one. Behind the loading dock? Most likely place for people to get busy.”

“No way.”

“I’m not lying”

“On a quiet side street on the Upper West Side?”

“Yup.”

“Like what time are we talking?”

“Usually around 4:00.”

Wow. My nice neighborhood. A sex den.

“Camera four? The place where most girls take a piss.”

“Girls? You’re kidding—”

“Look.” He put one of the DVD’s in his computer. It was blank. Then an abrupt cut to a bird’s eye view of a woman in a long coat squatting. When she walked away, you could see the puddle sort of following her for a bit until it poured out of screen. Then there was a jump to another head. In this one you could see the girl had her skirt hiked up. She looked around furtively, then watched herself peeing.

There were six in total. In one a guy tried to block a woman from the view of the street by chivalrously standing in front of her and spreading his coat. No one in any of these things ever bothered to look up.

“That one was my first,” he said fondly, as we watched two woman peeing together. “June of last year. I remember.”

I thought about this for a second. The stack of DVD’s next to the computer…”Wait. So you’re like…selling these?”

“Shhhh!” Then he grinned. “I’m going to be like the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ guy. Millions. You can’t believe how many people I got asking for these. And I got my boy Pedro on West 87th? He’s going to check out his building’s security system. They
got a real good alley there. What do you think of calling it “Girls Gone Potty?”

What did I think? I think I’m never ever going to pee on the streets of New York.