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A New York Escorts Confessions

Open Mouth. Insert Football.

Why is it that every exhilarating experience has to be abruptly followed by its polar opposite—i.e gross and excruciating, unfathomable embarrassment?

Because alas, I cannot speak of my brother’s college friend Ted without blushing a deep teenage red.

You see after the game and my wonderful ride, after a day of touring around campus and indulging in a chipati from Pizza House and Grasshopper Pie ice cream at Stucchi’s it was time to party.

My brother’s fraternity was throwing a “Return To The Womb” shindig. That’s right. The logic was this: all of us attendees were fetuses. And if you wanted to travel down the birth canal and get born—into booze and debauchery mind you—you had to take a trip down the three-story central staircase of the house, which was covered in mattresses, which were in turn were covered in some sort of thick vaseline-like substance. It was the kind of thing you wouldn’t do unless you were completely sloshed, which of course you were given that this was a fraternity party.

We were all wearing pajamas (what exactly they had to do with being born and coming down the birth canal I’m not sure.) I was going for cute in a pair of Michigan boxers and one of my brother’s white T-shirts. The womb ride was pretty fun, but after a few times of knocking myself into the bannister I had had enough. I tried to find Pete but he was flirting with some blonde sorority girl in a nearly see-through teddy.

Ted was holding court with a group of older boys. I wandered over to listen to their conversation and perhaps get a little kid-sister attention. Or, who knows, something even better. But they were immersed in guy speak:

“But we can’t get cocky this early, you know? Ohio State is tough”

“No no Howard’s untouchable. 115 receptions in his career—”

“118! 118 as of today”

“Dudes trying to cheat our boy out of his stats!”

“Hi,” I said.

“I’m just saying the guy’s unstoppable for fuck’s sake. He’s already set or tied three NCAA records and—”

“How about touchdowns?”

“That was sweet man, right?”

“Your mattress-ride is fun,” I offered.

“33 goddamn yards. Score! And Howard is in the end zone!”

Clearly this approach wasn’t working. I tried to wrack my thirteen-year-old brain for something, anything that Pete had said to me during the game. Suddenly I knew I had it.

I screamed my know-how over the music but no one could hear. I screamed again.

This time Ted actually looked in my direction. “What? What was that Lex?” He said giving a big dimpled smile. I yelled again with the full force of my tiny voice just as the music stopped.

“I said Desmond Howard’s gonna get the Hyman Trophy!!!!!”

Ah yes it’s true. In November of 1990, I Alexa gave a room full of my brother’s fraternity brothers the greatest straight line known to God and mankind. You can just imagine what the scene was like after that. I’ll tell you though I never got it wrong again. Heisman. H-E-I-S-M-A-N Heisman. Ugh.

Comments

People have made careers off of delivering straight lines like that.

Maybe you have a gift that you have been repressing all of these years?

You could be the next Bennie Hyman....


(yup. i had to go there....)

Posted by Charles on Oct 3 09:16AM

I have to make a confession too!!!

I have visited prostitutes. And I discovered that many window-prostitutes in the Netherlands have pimps. That's what a prostitute in the RLD of Amsterdam said to me. I never visited a prostitute ever since.

And I discovered nearly all Dutch window-prostitutes were introduced into prostitution by pimps!!!

Long live legal prostitution.

But hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not a moral crusader.

Bye!!!!

Posted by Donkey Kong on Oct 3 07:35PM

Hey Alexa,
Really sexy story, but next time you should call it, "Open hyman. Insert football." ; )

Posted by Jackie on Oct 3 11:30PM

i was there last month - pimp or no pimp, some of them are still damn hot!

Posted by xman on Oct 3 11:32PM

Really cute and funny story Alexa. I think we've all put our foot in our mouths when trying to impress someone...especially if he's a lot older and more mature than us :)

Posted by Toni on Oct 4 06:40PM

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