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A New York Escorts Confessions

Beach Blanket Bonkers

I spent last night in hell. No not strapped into stirrups at a tattoo parlor where a guy named Snake repeatedly pierced my labia. No not trapped in an elevator with a sweaty, nervous, and overweight business man who crying for “Mommy” and stuttering novinas in equal intervals. No. I spent last night being forced to watch not one, not two, but three of the Beach Blanket movies.

God help me.

For the uninformed, The Beach Blanket movies were a series of films that began in 1963 starring Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon as two goody-two-shoe kids who liked to surf and sing. They included Beach Party, Muscle Beach Party, Beach Blanket Bingo and How To Stuff A Wild Bikini.

Now in fairness the music is actually kinda great. Dick Dale and his Del-tones started things off with a bang in the first movie with their California surf music. And it’s fun to watch all the gang including DeeDee (Annette), Frankie, Bonehead, and Eva Six dance, shimmy, and strut their stuff. There’s a featured dancer in fringy outfits in Beach Party who twists so hard and so fast it’s amazing she didn’t just drill herself into the sand. And weirdly, some of the bathing suits (ah! so that’s where boy shorts came from!) are now back in style. Shoshanna Lonstein? You should get right on this.

What isn’t so good though is just about everything else. The dialogue for one thing:

DEEDEE: “You think it’s love Frankie?”

FRANKIE: “Is there a moon? Is there a sky? Are there dreams?”

‘nough said. The plots are ridiculous. Harvey Lembeck plays the sort of villain who wears leather and rides a motorcycle but has more pratfalls than Jack did in Three’s Company. His signature line is, “You stupids!” which just about shows you the level of sophistication going on here. Plus he’s got to be well into his forties, but meant to be a teenager!? Buster Keaton shows up in a recurring role which makes you just wish he stuck to silents and then from time to time Mickey Rooney or Paul Lind or Don Rickles comes out to embarrass himself. See the scary thing here is someone actually thought these were good or they wouldn’t be getting that level of guest star, right?

Oh wait! I almost forgot the clincher. While everyone shakes and shimmies in relatively itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny apparel, Annette is clothed in a one piece that make her look like, well, a vacationing nun. The reason? Disney still had her under contract to be a Mousketeer. She was allowed to do the Beach Blanket movies only if her navel never saw the light of day! Let’s just jump about thirty years into the future now shall we? Can you imagine if someone had insisted on the same clause for Mousketeers Brittney Spears and Christina Aguilera?!

So how did I get suckered into losing six precious hours of my life to all of this? My friend Deidre is writing her thesis on the changing sexual mores in American Cinema. Of course when she called me to ask if I wanted to join her on her research I jumped at the chance. Oooh—what would we be watching? Don’t Look Now, which has one of the most poignant sex scenes of all time (and is totally so creepy and scary everywhere else)? The Big Easy with sexy Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin? Body Heat, Mullholand Drive Nine and a Half Weeks? No. Nyet. None of the above.

So today? Well, I think I’ll just have to counter with a private Tribute to Candida Royalle. Belly buttons here I come.

Comments

You do get a laugh, but remember how 'edgey' those movies were back thirty years ago....

Humanity has changed a lot in thirty years.

Posted by Charles on Oct 5 08:05AM

I just watched the movie about Annette, she was old and telling her granddaughter the story about being a Mousketeer. I have to rent those now... oh the cheesyness!

Posted by Nickki on Oct 5 09:53PM

You liked Mulholland Drive?!? I think it's time we see other people.

In all seriousness though I feel your pain. I've had to sit through more than a few Lifetime movies, just as bad, which are 9 hours a piece themselves. Yeah. 9 HOURS. Of the first beaten woman or whatever. Seriously. Almost as long as the Stand.

Posted by Dante on Oct 5 10:52PM

I used to work in closed captioning and had to watch a lot of old movies for my work. One was a Gidget movie... the original movie that caused the surfing craze to happen.

It was a very fucking long day on the job. One movie like that would take about 10 hours.

Shoot. Me. Now. is about all you can manage to think during the grind.

Still, they're awful. Awful!

Posted by scribecalledsteff on Oct 5 11:30PM

I don't think we ever got them in the UK, not even when the cricket is rained off during the summer. I did see part of one during an episode of 'Sabrina the teenage Witch', they are the stilton of teen movies.

Posted by nics on Oct 6 07:25PM

There's a bit 'Beach Blanket Bingo' in 'Good Morning Viet Nam,' too.

Heh...It's subtitlied in at least 2 character languages, but it's running in English. Very surreal.

T.

Posted by T.J. on Oct 10 11:34PM

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