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A New York Escorts Confessions
Me, Myself and I
I got home late last night to find a care package from Mom waiting for me. Yippee! Hot dog.
My family is big on care packages. That’s right—they aren’t just for summer camp anymore. My brother, who went to the University of Michigan for his undergrad degree is all about Zingerman’s and I could just kiss him everytime he sends me a choco-holic gift box. Once upon a time Mom lived in Philly and she likes to surprise me with my favorite creme fraiche pound cake at the Metropolitan Bakery. As for me, I’m a Zabar’s (Irish soda bread!) Columbus Avenue Bakery (blackout cookies!) kinda gal. Although sending a sour cream apple walnut pie from the Little Pie company is also a great choice. Or the Aztec chocolate collection from Vosges yum yum.
But I degress…
Anyway you could imagine my excitement as I prepared to open said package. It was 1:30 AM, the perfect time for a late nite nip. I didn’t recognize the name on the box. Maybe she had found a new fabulous bakery near her new digs in Virginia? My mouth watered at the very possibility.
The next thing I knew I was rammed up against the far wall of the living room clutching a knife. What the hell had just happened?! What was that…horrible…thing in that box?!
Slowly I crawled my way back to my s(care) package trying to protect myself against any sudden movements. When I got there I took a little itty bitty peek inside—
Dear God. It was even worse than I thought.
Mom had sent me…well me. Me in doll form. Me in scary doll form. Fabric me in a green furry onesie with a stuffed photograph of my baby head for the head. Demon baby head me. Ew! Ew! Ew! Where was my Bible? Where was my crucifix? What the hell was I supposed to do with such a ghoulish presence!
I just managed to shield my eyes and reach under the…body (gasp!) to grab the card:
I remember how much you enjoyed looking through our old photo albums when you were here helping me move, and how you complained that you didn’t have any of your baby pictures at your apartment in New York. Enjoy Little Alexa, and make sure you take as good care of her as I did! All my love. Mom
God in heaven.
I tried putting—gulp—‘Little Alexa’ safe back in her box. I immediately felt claustraphobic. I tried putting her on a high shelf in the living room. It was like the Mona Lisa tracking me from every angle. I tried putting her on a back shelf in the closet but suddenly felt a primal fear when I closed the door. I ended up propping her against the toaster in the kitchen with a little dish towel as a blanket. I debated about leaving a glass of milk out next to her.
In the morning I called Mom and tried to gracefully convince her that Little Alexa would be oh-so-much-happier back in Virginia with her. “Oh Alexa,” Mom cooed, “Don’t you think I got one for myself too?”
Eeek! What do you think I should do? I can’t keep her here. Throw her away?! Donate her to Goodwill and hope against hope that some little kid doesn’t stick pins in her? Help!
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confessionsComments
I agree with dan. That...and that is just plain freaky.
I mean, right up there with my doll from my childhood freaky.
The doll doesn't look like me(they couldn't find a dark enough doll, trust me) but I refuse to get rid of her..mostly because I believe she would find her way back here....
Posted by Moni on Sep 25 04:17PMWell, you could always leave it out with any really creepy clients you'd prefer to drive away. :-)
Posted by Mike Harris on Sep 25 06:34PMThe only proper thing to do is burn the doll, in my opinion. Get drunk before you burn it, so as to soften the blow. And do not, of course, tell your mother about the auto-da-fe.
Posted by lobster on Sep 25 10:50PMIf you ask me, i would say you should keep "Little Alexa" in the most secret corners of your New York apatment. Because deep inside you little Alexa is sleeping tight. I guess you should wake her up from time to time. Just to remind you that you are human after all =)
Well there is the option of sending her to me for save keeping of course ;-)
Posted by Mike@Mono on Sep 26 02:16AMHey Alexa,
I've been a silent reader for soo long, mostly due to your incredible writing. You surely have a grasp on maintaining an audience. I honestly believe you should consider publishing your blog entiries on print. Keep with the superb writing, it entertains me when I'm not in class or with a client. ;)
Much love,
Joan
Well, I'd advise against burning it, sticking pins on it, or hanging it from the chandelier with a noose.
Stick it in your Christmas decorations box, maybe, and hang it from the bottom of the Christmas tree, in the back, since your mom ultimately sent it to you with sentimental intentions, and if she ever discovers you turfed it, she might be pretty disappointed at the prospect.
However, the suggestion of auctioning it off on e-Bay is pretty good, and you could donate the proceeds to the Katrina victims or something, then if Mom's ever aghast, you can say "Oh, but it raised X amount of dollars for Katrina."
Of course, the fact that you've described it as a "demon baby" doll might turn some prospective purchasers off.
Now, if it wasn't as small as it is, and was inflatable, WELL... there's a market for THAT kinda thing.
Posted by scribe called steff on Sep 26 03:16AMDamn.
Couldn't your mom have just sent you REAL baby pictures???
The fact that she has one of her own is even more terrifying. It means that those things are capable of multiplying.
Posted by Toni on Sep 26 05:55AMi know! you can do voodoo "experiments"!
yasee, i've always wondered about voodoo... like, could it be used for "good"? like, if i had the little Alexa doll and started rubbing its crotch, would you get horny?
seriously. wishing pain on someone is so passe. i think it'd be much more fun to like, make people uncontrollably horny at inopportune times. hahahah i'm such an asshole.
Posted by mikey on Sep 26 01:52PMOne thing is for sure, your Mom is freakier than my sister (who, at 19, still hums to her doll http://delisyusness.blogspot.com/2004/09/allow-me-to-share-some-pics-i-took.html )
Anyway :) Let's exchange links, shall we? :)
Posted by delish on Sep 26 10:05PMHuh, you got a new apartment? When did that happened? The last post I read about an apt was that you just got back into the business and complained about the going rate for a nice one. Did you failed to keep us, your loyal readers, informed?
As for the 'little Alexa' doll, send her to me. So I can have a doll make of myself and put them together! Hahaha... :D Hey, a guy can dream, no? ;)
Posted by Pete from Cal on Sep 26 10:34PMthat is so freaky.
even more freaky is if your mother made it... so lovingly... or even if she sent away for it... some guy lovingly making it....
Put her and you out of your collective miseries -- in a shoe box in the back of the least used closet in the apartment and ONLY haul it out if your dear Mama is coming for a visit.
Posted by wil on Sep 28 09:20PMPost a Comment
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about me
So why am I writing this blog? I have an inner exhibitionist that just needs to be let out. I've always wanted to bare myself completely in front of strangers but have always been held back by fear.
As strange as it may sound, I've never really truly bared myself in front of any of my clients. For all that they've seen, they've never seen me be me. And for all that I've seen, I simply need to share it with you!
So why should you come? To be tantalized and teased. To get release by knowing the true me.
I promise that I won't bite, and if I do bite, I'll make sure you like it!
my favorite posts
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- Poops!... I Did It Again!
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- Daddy's Little Girl (Part II)
- Selling Out (Part III)
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I suspect some members of your fan base would pay top dollar if "Little Alexa" ended up on eBay...
Posted by Dan on Sep 25 11:47AM