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A New York Escorts Confessions

I Don’t Wanna Be Your Dog

The Cunting Linguist says…

I’m sorry, Iggy, but it’s true.

This one goes out to the porn school boys. Yeah. You know who you are. The guys who watch porn and think women actually want to fuck like that.

The majority of women don’t have “getting titty-fucked” at the top of their weekend to-do lists, all right? We don’t necessarily globally relish having our asses smacked while we’re being ridden doggy-style by some dude who thinks he’s one lap away from the Kentucky Derby. (Almost every woman likes to take one of those laps from time to time, though.)

The majority of chicks aren’t going to gush and coo like a girl on Christmas morning as you cum on their face. Most will be pissed that you’ve even attempted it, really, especially since there’s that very small matter of possibly contracting AIDS when the spunk hits an eye.

Face it, boys. Porn movies are movies that are made by men, for men. They are entertainment. They’re the sexual equivalent of the DC Comics’ League of Justice: highly improbable, hugely exaggerrated, and excessively stylized.

If you’re taking your sex tips from porn, you might just want to think twice before you invite Debbie over for a little diddling.

Fact is, porn’s for the uninteresting. Most North American porn is so laughably cliche, so utterly uninspired, that it’s a wonder Europeans ever sleep with any of us. Thank god they know better than to believe everything they see on television. Pity the same can’t be said of everyone on this big ol’ continent, though.

All right, you need allusions to really get the message? Let’s say that sex is like sanding wood. Sure, you can get all aggressive and just sand the shit out of it with 200-grain paper, but you know it’s going to look like crap until you slow it down and do nice, even mid-pressure circular strokes with a 50-grain.

It’s the same with sex. You might — might — be able to get the job done in a fevered frenzy of action, but you’re gonna miss out on so much of the good shit you only find when you really get into the detailing.

If you’re content to underperform, then porn away, boys. If you really want to get fucked, and you really want to know what an orgasm has the potential to feel like, then explore the full dimensions of sex.

The problem with the Porn Boys is they just don’t fucking understand that orgasms are like concert seats. Just because you’re at the concert doesn’t mean you’re getting the best show. In fact, sitting in the nosebleeds might get you into the gig, but with all that frenzied distortion and being so far away visually, you’re barely scratching the surface of the experience.

Upgrading and getting in close seems to sometimes slow it all down and make the experience bigger than life. The bass rocks you, the sweat slowly builds as the tension gets better and better throughout the headliner’s act before they finally blow their wad on the show-stopping encore that leaves them and the audience gasping for more.

Stop being content to just show up and get rocked. Put yourself in the show and really make it an event.

What have you really got to lose, besides your breath?

Email the Cunting Linguist if you have a burning question in need of an answer.

Comments

Ha! Great stuff!

Posted by Daniel on Sep 27 04:47AM

A very true and interesting post. Thanks for the email. You have a unique site, that's very well done. Keep up the tantalising posts.

Posted by The Complimenting Commenter on Sep 27 04:58AM

Walk it to 'em girl! Thankfully, my hubby knows this, but I remember the single days when some men didn't have a clue...

Ta Ta
WiPrincess
http://sexysblog.blogspot.com/

Posted by WiPrincess on Sep 27 12:18PM

Remind me never to let you near my wood.... 50 grit??? circular motion??? you'd ruin it in a heartbeat

Posted by hal on Sep 27 03:18PM

don't forget those who are female who actually allow that. apparently submissive is supposed to be in?

Posted by Moni on Sep 27 03:36PM

I see your point and I agree that most porn is dull and unrealistic however my girlfriend and I will periodically get some. It's rarely on for more than 10 minutes before we forget all about the tv and are into each other.

Posted by Will on Sep 27 04:49PM

I don't mind porn, as long as my guy's idea of foreplay isn't "let's pop in a porno and fuck." I have noticed there is just about NO porn out there geared towards women. I just don't like watching the exact same thing over and over for thirty minutes while the woman moans "yeah, baby" the whole time. B-O-R-I-N-G!!

Posted by Faith on Sep 27 08:45PM

Great analogy, i prefer to use analogy my self... but i have to handed to you, yours is great.
I'll keep in mind 'sanding the wood' next time i'm doing it, and not to forget my breath of course.

As for this post, yes i do agree that porn is mostly for man. Knowing this fact and the population of women in the world, i suppose it might be very profitable if they make one especialy for women?

Posted by Mike@Mono on Sep 27 11:11PM

HAL:
Oh, my, Hal, did I get it backwards?! ACK. Been a while since I sanded. HEH. Once of those "know it when I see it" things. But I feel like an ass. I was too lazy to look it up. But trust me, I made my own writing desk and it's as smooth as a grand piano, man. I'm just really dyslexic with numbers.

MIKE:
Yeah, there's certainly a market for female porn. I bet my ass most men would be hot with it, too, though. After all, they're usually always turned on by watching women with each other. Maybe they'd be turned on by simply watching what we enjoy, too, then.

EVERYONE ELSE:
Thanks for your comments. :)

Oh, and 'submissive is supposed to be in'? I thought good sex was in? I think everyone should be open to submitting and dominating, in order to fully enjoy the experience.

Posted by scribe called steff on Sep 28 12:08AM

Hmmm.

March 2005. Yes, I think you'll find he's on the Pricks I have Known' series.

Looking forward to a return to the sleazy stripper world after Human Rights watching in Guatemala. No sex or dancing for ten days. It gets to you.

Posted by mimi on Sep 28 12:36AM

I had a great giggle at this. Sure, I can understand why some women want it slow and soft just like in those old fashioned romantic movies. Not me though. I don't just 'allow' him to be rough, I beg for it. Of course, too much of anything gets boring, so we toss in some slow and gentle now and then just to keep it all fresh. Isn't that really what it's all about? All guys have to do is stop being so predictable and surprise us now and then. In return we can do something wicked to surprise them. I am sure there is a hell of a lot of women out there that would prefer a slap on the ass to having him pump away and a hell of a lot of men that would prefer her to say something dirty instead of playing dead. So don't throw out the porn sex because sometimes nothing beats it hard and fast, but don't cut yourself off from the sensuality either.

Variety is the spice of life people.

Live it up now and then!

Posted by Sarah on Sep 28 02:20AM

LOL. Great post Steff. Variety and balance, that's where is at. I get bored with guys so damn easily. Once they find something they like, they stick to it, like a routine.

I do like to play submissive sometimes...It provides me with balance to my day-to-day "grab them by the balls" personality. It's nice to kick back and be taken over by night, when you spend your day trying to take over the world.


Posted by G. D. on Sep 28 05:22PM

"The majority of women don’t have “getting titty-fucked” at the top of their weekend to-do lists, all right?"

Well, this still has me laughing. And here, here!

Posted by SJ on Sep 28 08:41PM

One silly thing I've been seeing lately in porn (especially lesbian porn) is the spitting. Yes, I know the spit is for lubrication, but how is seeing one girl practically hock a loogie onto another girl's vagina supposed to be a turn on?

Posted by Toni on Sep 29 01:05AM

This is a fairly interesting article in light of the current popularity level of pornography and the porn business. Jenna Jameson is a household name, and porn stars are showing up everywhere from MTV to network TV. HBO and Showtime now have several ongoing documentary series focused on pornography and the business.

I believe porn serves one function, and that's to get people fucking. Our society (in America) isn't exactly a sex-positive society, so if porn can continue to break into the mainstream - making more people comfortable in their own skin, and with sex, then it has served it's function well.

Then it'll be time for people like us to take over and move it to the next step of high quality meaningful sex!

As always Steff - Great Post, and well written.

Posted by Mr W on Sep 29 07:52AM

Mimi -- And a fine place for him.

Sarah -- Who's sayin' I don't live it up? Porn sex is an acquired taste, really, and not every chick's gonna be down with it. I like a fast'n'furious fuck myself now and then, but I don't like "facials," nor titty-fucking, nor some guy raging "Yeah, yeah, fuck me, baby, FUCK ME," as he thrusts or something. Doesn't mean I won't "really explore" all avenues of sex. It just means I don't like that shit. Thanks for commenting, though. :)

GD -- Submissive's different, tho. It doesn't mean you have to do that stuff. I LOVE playing submissive. It's all good.

SJ -- Tee hee. :)

Toni -- Oh, honey, you got me. I just don't know.

W -- Yes, and then we will control the world. One orgasm at a time.

Posted by scribecalledsteff on Sep 29 12:40PM

Yay, Steff, good for you. You hit the nail right on the 'head'. And I'm so glad to see this posting elicited some responses. Now, if you could just 'anonymously' forward this to the man who was the inspiration for the post?? I feel bad enough for his next girlfriend...why not do her a favor? On second though, let's not. Let the bastard figure it out on his own. Thanks again...Glad I served up some inspiration. Duck.

Posted by Duck on Sep 29 04:45PM

Heh. Yeah, thanks for the topic. That was a hoot to write. :)

Posted by scribe called steff on Sep 30 04:26PM

For the sake of balance, I should point out that there are also plenty of women out there who are obsessed with porn-style sex.

And somehow, they keep finding me.

Posted by phi. on Oct 8 11:16PM

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