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A New York Escorts Confessions
Lac-Tard
I’m a fucking lac-tard!
I went on this total health kick during my break. No E. No alcohol. No caffeine. No Starbucks grande lattes. Tired of pumping myself with foreign substances and bodies, I decided to purify myself and promised to stay clean. My purity pledge lasted about as long as a teen chastity pledge once I got back to New York.
So today, I got my first latte. Not Starbucks. Fauchon. A fancy French patisserie on Park Ave with a pink tearoom where ladies who lunch come to enjoy precisely-cut finger sandwiches and buy pretty little pink purses with dainty chocolates.
Tired from a night of partying with friends in the meat packing district for the last couple nights, I needed a little pick me up, especially since I had my first appointment with Joerg later tonight. I’m actually a little lactose intolerant. Not too much to give up my lattes. But just enough that I get stomach aches if I haven’t had milk in a while. I forgot this before ordering. Unfortunately, my body didn’t.
As I sat reading my novel, my stomach grumbled and a sudden urge to fart overcame me. Clenching my butt, I ran to the nearest restroom, slammed the stall door and spread my cheeks in the hope that the fart would be silent. My cheeks didn’t comply. Instead of a silent hiss, a cacophony of trumpet calls erupted from my ass. Mortified, I started flushing the toilet in an attempt to conceal the noise. No good. The farts were followed by a shart which was followed by a shiss as my entire colon seemed to empty itself through my gaping anus all at once.
Finally, doubled over on the toilet, I felt the last drops of feces leaving my body.
Time to cleanup. Where’s a fucking bidet when you need one?! After everyone who was in the restroom had been gone for at least 15 minutes, I finally emerged, washed my hands and left.
Returning home, I took a shower to cleanup and called Joerg to cancel our appointment. Family emergency. I hate cancelling on a client. It’s bad for business. But showing up might have been worse for business — he’s not into brown showers.
Fortunately, my stomach didn’t act up after I got home. And I’m going to SLOWLY train myself to drink milk again since I like lattes too much to completely give them up.
Well, at least I’m really purified now…
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confessionsComments
Just get soy in your lattes, it taste good if not better and is better for you and will slow down your sharting
Posted by max on Aug 16 10:10AMAlways the lady...
Well, if you ever DO get a client who is into the old hot lunch, you know that a tall glass of milk will get the party started.
;-)
Alexa,
I hate to laugh at another persons misery but DAMN girl! That was funny. I missed you, glad you're back
*falls on floor* I hate to laugh but OH! how i've missed your stories. Only a few weeks back and already it begins. Its good to hear.
Posted by Nickki on Aug 16 02:16PMThat's the sexiest story ever. ;)
Since I'm allergic to dairy I'm milk-free as a rule. Max suggested soy milk, but you can also try rice milk as well. As far as I'm concerned it tastes better and has a lighter consistancy.
Posted by RD on Aug 16 04:08PMit wasent the milk
its the bad coffee
i know i sell it
only buy good Italian
esp imported from an italian roaster
look for CAFE NEW YORK {honestly this is their name}
same name online ,it
love your posts
Ireland
Posted by rieire on Aug 16 04:22PMLike Shumpy I feel bad for laughing at your misery, but the way you wrote it was just so darn funny!
Posted by AGFH on Aug 16 05:37PMHilarious but sorry you had to cancel an appointment! Love how you narrate the whole experience. Nothing fancy and straight to the point. No wonder I love reading your blog. :) Hope you are doing well. Take care!
Posted by Pete from Cal on Aug 16 09:31PMMy sympathies for the miss appointment, but that was on hilarious story. I would have liked to been a fly in that bathroom and seen the expressions of anyone in there with you.
Now, if you'd been a guy you would have just announce that no one should light a match in the restroom for the next half hour. :)
Posted by Michael on Aug 17 04:33PMI too thought I was lactose intolerant and have been drinking soy for years.
A little while ago a girlfriend convinced me to give organic cow's milk a try. As it turns out, I'm fine with organic dairy and not lactose intollerant at all. I'm just allergic to the chemicals and crap they put in regular cow feed that comes out in their milk.
So give organic a go. It may help :)
Posted by Polywise on Aug 17 08:05PMPost a Comment
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about me
So why am I writing this blog? I have an inner exhibitionist that just needs to be let out. I've always wanted to bare myself completely in front of strangers but have always been held back by fear.
As strange as it may sound, I've never really truly bared myself in front of any of my clients. For all that they've seen, they've never seen me be me. And for all that I've seen, I simply need to share it with you!
So why should you come? To be tantalized and teased. To get release by knowing the true me.
I promise that I won't bite, and if I do bite, I'll make sure you like it!
my favorite posts
- Caveat Vendor - Part II
- Selling Out (Part III)
- Poops!... I Did It Again!
- My First Escorting Experience
- My First Lesbian Experience
- Daddy's Little Girl (Part II)
- Selling Out (Part III)
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Lactaid - works great! Welcome back!
Posted by machiavelli on Aug 16 10:05AM