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A New York Escorts Confessions
Absence
This year, I discovered how powerless I am. Powerless over others. And powerless over myself.
When Linda’s boyfriend sent her to the ER to get treatment for yet another “fall,” I tried to help. Having seen so many other girls lose control of their bodies and their lives to “boyfriends,” I couldn’t bear to see another friend go down that road, especially one who is a civilian. So I pleaded with her to leave. I even found a shelter for her. All to no avail.
Instead of listening to me, Linda turned on me. The last time that I visited Linda’s apartment, her boyfriend met me at the door and yelled at me to leave his girlfriend alone. “Bitches like you screw everything up by fucking with other people’s business!” Not content to simply drive me away, he repeatedly called and screamed at me over the phone to leave his girlfriend alone. I’d ordinarily just screen his phone calls, but he somehow found a way to use a different phone number each time. He only stopped menacing me after I told him that I’d recorded his phone calls and was about to go to the police.
In the midst of this mess with Linda, my dad created yet more drama in my life. After rejecting his phone calls and emails for years, I had finally agreed to see Dad when he called me last April. I think that I needed to get closure by telling him in person how much he had hurt me when he left us for his skanky secretary.
Seeing my dad, though, changed my plans. I almost didn’t recognize him at first when he hobbled in on his cane. Although he had cinched a thin braided belt around his corduroy pants, the only reason that the pants didn’t fall off is that the belt rested on his bony hip. Where he had once had chubby and boyish cheeks, you could now almost see his skull protruding from his face.
Battling stomach cancer almost killed Dad and forced him to contemplate his past sins. And so when he apologized for his past, I couldn’t bring myself to turn my back. Six years hadn’t reduced the pain from my dad’s betrayal, but I needed to move beyond it for myself. Although I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to forgive, I at least agreed to meet him again and to continue the difficult conversation.
Earlier in the year, the doctors told Dad that his stomach cancer was in remission. They were wrong. By early May, the cancer re-appeared and quickly metastized to his liver and lungs. Already weakened by the previous chemo and radiation therapies, Dad’s body wouldn’t be able to withstand further treatment. Now, the doctors told my dad that he didn’t have long to live — maybe a couple weeks at most before his body finally succumbed to the cancer.
Resigned to dying, Dad reached out to us one last time. When he told me that he loved me and would miss me, I just cried. I don’t know why. I had really wanted to tell him to go to hell, but I couldn’t. Instead of cursing him, I visited him several times before his death.
After attending Dad’s funeral, I decided to take a long break from everything. I’d had enough craziness. No work. No blog. No emails. I packed my bags and traveled from city to city. Miami. San Francisco. New Orleans. Chicago. Washington, DC. Los Angeles. Boston. Landing in each city, I reconnected with different friends, some from as far back as junior high school.
Now, my head is clear. I know who I am. As strange as it may sound, I actually like my work. Of course, I like a full bank account with all the pretty baubles it can buy even more.
So now, I’m back. Back to work. Back to my blog. And back in New York.
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confessionsComments
Welcome back! Sorry about your dad.
The story of your friend Linda is unfortunately a very common one, I lost my best friend from high school that way. I hope Linda sees the light before he kills her. You did all you could do.
In my state we have mandatory abuse charges which are instigated by medical people, doesn't New York have them?
I have this tendency to try to help women in need, including friends in abusive relationships. I went thru a similar experience two years ago. I helped her out of abusive relationship after another. It ended with the girl visiting me in new york after I moved here in which she became extremely abusive to me verbally and in public and no one would do anything to help me. She had my friends and the guy I was seeing so fooled at the time, that they didn't believe what she was doing. Its amazing after years of abuse, the abused can turn into the abuser. Needless to say I had to cut her out, b/c by the time she had left from her weeklong visit, my boyfriend (she said he tried to make a pass at her) had dumped me and my friends thought I was the crazy one.
Posted by Alice on Aug 8 11:37AMI am so glad to see you back!
Sorry to hear that you lost your father, but I am happy that you at least were able to have a relationship with him at the end. I am sure he realized his mistakes.
While I feel for abused women, my symapthy has to stop after they allow it to happen over and over. Forgiving once I can almost understand, forgiving twice is unacceptable, forgiving three or more times just makes you pathetic IMO only.
I will help in the first case definetely. I will help in the second case if I can. But after that I am sirry but you are on your own. I know that sounds harsh, but I have seen too many women who seem to feed on the abuse and the attention it brings to them.
Posted by AGFH on Aug 8 12:06PMI'm sorry to hear about your dad. Reading it saddened me, but also gave me a brighter light with which to view you. Not everyone can let the past stay in the past, and I'm glad you spent your last moments together. That took compassion.
Posted by Dating Dummy on Aug 8 01:28PMIt's sad, but when others are in a bad situation, usually all you can do is watch. I just hope your friend decides to get out before it's too late. Unfortunately, the best you can do is be there when your friend decides to ask for help.
Posted by David on Aug 8 02:37PMsorry about your dad. i hope that you will find peace with it all.
missed you.
When you left I had only been reading your blog a short while. I am glad to see you start back up and I am sorry to hear about your troubles during this last year. From your writings I beleive you to be the type of person to come out stronger. I hope things go a little smoother for a while and I am glad to hear you and your father had a chance to talk before he passed.
Jerry
Alexa,
I am so glad you are back and OKAY. I had a feeling yoru departure had something to do with Linda, as I have been there with a friend or two, myself. The "bitches like you screw everything up.." comment was EXACTLY what I was told myself..oh what was the ohter one? TROUBLEMAKER.."she is a troublemaker" , the abusive boyfriend would say. It is good you got to see your dad and so sorry for his passing.
I had to change servers for my blog(can block IP's from READING as well as commenting on my own server, but not blogspot), due to an unwanted visitor who has been cyberstalkign me for 18 months now and who was leaving comments under other ID's but never bothered to change her IP address and haloscan tracks IP's , so I totally understand any aprehension you might have. The way I see it, it is YOUR blog, YOUR "outlet" and YOUR sanity-erasing hateful comments is NOT censorship, it is claiming what is YOURS!
Love ya girl!!
Jade
Missed you Alexa.. Glad to hear from you again. Take care of yourself.
-Fladam
Posted by Fladam on Aug 8 10:30PMNice that you're back--I only found you a couple of weeks ago, so I had a chance to catch up to where you are now.
I think we're all more powerless than we think, and at the same time more powerful. It's a matter of how we learn from those negative things in our lives and perservere despite them.
Posted by jo on Aug 8 10:32PMThose sound like some hard times, Alexa. I'm
glad that you're through them. I have no doubt
that there are better times in the future.
I'll add my voice to the others here: I'm glad
you're back. I have a fascination with literature,
articulate courtesans.
Best,
Wintermute
Tons of hugs from this miscellaneous stranger. :)
...and how could you skip Des Moines on your tour??
haha
I'm happy you are back. I know you needed the time off but I've missed your posts while you were away.
Posted by Jennifer on Aug 10 07:27AMGlad to see you back. Hope you are recovering well from the pain and loss of your dad. Take care of yourself.
Posted by Philip on Aug 10 10:03PMMy sympathies about your father. It was good that you were able to go beyond the past and find peace.
About Linda, there is only so much you can do. Hopefully she will see the truth before the situation gets beyond the point of no return. You/ve done all you can for now.
It seems that you may have gotten your life back on an even keel with you time gone. Welcome back.
Posted by Michael on Aug 11 12:07PMI'm sorry about your dad, but I'm glad you're back. I've been reading your blog for a while. It's great. Keep going.
Posted by Marita Paige on Aug 12 01:12AMHi Alexa,
Welcome back to blogging.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. My grandma passed away from cancer back in 1998, and I can relate to seeing someone waste away into a thin shell of their former self.
Posted by Toni on Aug 12 09:35PMPost a Comment
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about me
So why am I writing this blog? I have an inner exhibitionist that just needs to be let out. I've always wanted to bare myself completely in front of strangers but have always been held back by fear.
As strange as it may sound, I've never really truly bared myself in front of any of my clients. For all that they've seen, they've never seen me be me. And for all that I've seen, I simply need to share it with you!
So why should you come? To be tantalized and teased. To get release by knowing the true me.
I promise that I won't bite, and if I do bite, I'll make sure you like it!
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Nice to have you back Alexa. I hope you are doing well and are mentally ready. It sounds like you've had a harrowing experience. Good luck!
Posted by Entropy on Aug 8 10:45AM