Long time reader, first time commenter. I completely understand your need to be private and respect your effort to keep it that way. Only through anonymity can we truly bare our souls.

You are so creative kid, keep it coming.

Ok easily understood! With that, my pet peeve with you is that you rarely ever engage your Blogers in a reply chat?

Kindly,

Yes, keep your worlds separate. It's kind of what we all do here. By the way, I love your writing style!

By the way, writing is massively important to many of us. I frankly don't care about your looks--sorry, but willing pretty girls are not hard to find--it is your take on life, the path you are on, the dilemmas you become entrapped in and how you deal with them that I am interested in. Other open-minded humans help me understand the world and myself. My blog is 360guy.net. Cheers.

you guys are the sweetest. and i don't mean in the pineapple kind of way either!

Yep, understand completely......I had a girlfriend that was an escort. While there were complications from her employment, our life together was devastatingly normal. All the usual nonsense about whose turn it was to walk the dog, or do the laundry.
It was funny to be out together, I'm pretty ordinary looking and she was just spectacular. LOL, there would be guys being obviously envious and I'd be thinking of something perfectly mundane we were going to do, like dinner and a movie.
You are right, keep it separate and keep posting I've been enjoying you.
BTW, pineapple? How do you feel about aspergras? (sic)

Dontcha just love those readers who want MORE MORE MORE? In a way it's very flattering, sometimes it's creepy, but I like to think of it as doing something right to make them want more....

It would be different being a pretty woman. I s'pose it'd be like having money---often wondering if flatterers wanted you or yours.

Hey im from malaysia and really enjoy ya blog so keep up da good work ei. :)

Why so proud of yourself? You're just a high paid whore who couldn't handle the corporate life so you decided to sell the one thing you could offer: your body.

"It would be different being a pretty woman."
Amen to that..
some times .. now please don't take this wrong, cuz i accept who i am, (and its not pretty by any long stretch) .. but sometimes i get sick of pretty women whinning cuz they get so much attention. and men only like them cuz they are beautiful. darlin i would give anything to have any man i wanted. to have that power to know i am desired and that i can turn then down cuz there is another one to take their place.

but i don't have that power, i don't have those looks and no matter how much i wish it i never will.

i acceptt and take what i get and dream the same dreams of wanting someone who wants 'me'.

You are wise to keep the worlds seperate. Never forget that the men who pay you are, for the most part, paying you to go home. That's the real product. There's nothing wrong with that; it is what it is. However, the people who read your blog are the exact opposite. They're here because you're interesting, funny, and quite clever.

“Although I'm a complete attention whore, I'm sick of men talking with me only to get it on with me and of women hating me because of how I look.

I won't lie. I love the baubles and the money. But selling myself based only on my pretty face, flat stomach and nice ass is slowly killing me - the real me who thinks, dreams and loves.”

I’ve not said this before, and won’t say it again. But GET OUT OF THE BUISNESS. Seriously. This isn’t a moral judgment, I’ve just never known someone in your line of work who was happy with what she did for a living...

dont bring me down casue of your whoring around!

crazy readers.

It's so true that we wear masks in our day-to-day life. After I turned 30 I had pretty much decided that I was going to remain single the rest of my life because the dating scene was so much bullshit. Then I discovered the local BBS scene and this wonderful thing called chat and email. I had friends that I hadn't ever seen and so I had no preconceptions of them based on appearance.

To make a long story short I met my wife through email and chat and we've been together almost 14 years now. It's amazing how much about a person you can discover through the written word. We didn't actually meet in person until a month after our correspondence started. And I knew I was in love with her before I even saw her. I knew.

Communication is a powerful love-making tool. I for one come back to your site because of your way with words and the fact that you don't misspell very many ->(major turnoff, BTW).

So keep your worlds separate and keep sharing your thoughts with us. They are sexier to me than a tight ass and toned abs ever could be. Although the latter is a plus, don't get me wrong. ;-)

Ouch, anyone else see that Allyson comment?

Well, alexa, one thing i can say is that i find it kind of upsetting that you don't know how to be brutally honest with people in real life. But I mean, if online is the only way you can be yourself, that's alright i guess. That's why this profession isn't healthy. I'd say get out of it, but Allyson pointed it out concretely, you didn't want to handle the corporate way and i'm guessing the education you had won't get you anywhere, since you chose this fast cash deal. I'll read, but I doubt this little blog is going to keep you from disintegrating for much longer, if that's how you really feel. Wow, I just realized, it must suck to be an escort.

Oh, and sorry about the Yankees losing tonight. :(

Go Sox!

What an interesting mix of comments above. And if it slowly killing you, and you acknowldege that, then I agree with the bloke above who said get out. oney's nice, but it ain't worth a thing if you've got to sell your soul (which isn't meant to be a judgement, just a comment on what you put in the blog).

Keep up the blogging - you've become one of my favourites.

It's important to express yourself.

Dear Alexa, I understand your desire to compartmentalize your life... Still like many others I follow your adventures with fascination. The more details we can pick out the better! We're slowly getting to know the REAL you.

To echo other's thoughts; I think that being a sex worker of one sort or another is ultimately a soul-destroying business. I hope that you find your way out when the time is right...

Here's something for you: I've just learned that a friend of a friend here in Toronto provides "golden showers" for $200 (call it $125 US)! So many ways to make money...

Interesting post. I completely understand where you're coming from.

I was wondering if you have seen Michelle Tea's book "Rent Girl," about her career as a prostitute. It's funny, poignant and has great illustrations.

I've been reading this blog for quite a while now after getting a tip about it. I keep returning, wondering what you'll write about. And it's not your client meetings that are the most interesting to read, but what goes on in your head, your thoughts on this and that.
You write well, and your observations are often spot on. Reading this blog (along with a few others) really brighten my day.
Keep the words coming (no pun intended) and I do understand your need for having a wee secret garden.

Hi, understandable view. But here's what I have been wondering about ever since chatting etc. came up.
Question is: why is it so hard for people to communicate in real life ? Talk about what's really going on ? Make yourself understood ? And why is it so easy with posts ? Time. Take time to listen. That are the key-words to the answer. People talk to much, but never listen to what the other is saying. Including you, dear reader. When you have the next conversation - I mean a real one, not: "don't forget to buy milk when you come home"-talk. And try to rephrase what the other is saying, and ask whether you understood it well. You'll be surprised how wrong you are. It is not because you haven't heard what the other one is saying, it is because you haven't listened to the meaning of the words.
You have to remember that it is so hard to know yourself, to put in words what you are really feeling - even to explain it to yourself. Try to do that in an on-the-fly conversation ... babylon. Put that together with the mind of the one who is listening - who has his/her own world of feelings, trying to match what you are saying - which never does, and Babylon even gets bigger.
Blogging, chatting, and all that stuff gives both writer and reader time to think. And that is why it is so much easier.
But, in my life, I really spend a lot of time in trying to listen and understand. Conversations get much more interesting and learnful than with writing. Here are some tips:
Get rid of your ego when you are listening and take the other ones opinion as it is. Everybody has his own world of emotions, put together by a million of personal experiences. So when it comes to personal feelings: everybody is right. Even when you feel it totally different.
Then rephrase the opinion (you can do that afterwards for yourself)
Keep your own feelings for the next conversation.
When you understood the other ones world, use your imagination and follow it, think with him/her and the situation you are talking about. Then: talk.

Do this, and you will learn to understand the world much better.

But who am I to say ?

Alexa,

So long as you keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, I think everything will be fine. Rock on.

Writing is good therapy.Be safe.

You're young, you're beautiful, you're smart. The whole world's right at your feet. Enjoy yourself and your youth but don't neglect your future. Who said the only way to succeed in life is to make it in the corporate world? You don't slave for anyone else but yourself and that makes you a failure? Faulty logic there, sweetie. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that. Remember, the industry you're in right now is premised on youth, beauty and skill. In the long run, age is gonna catch up with you. When that happens, I have every confidence that a smart woman like you will have everything covered.

Alexa, you're so much more than your job, and even your blog. You've given us this great opportunity to take a peak into your life, and reveal to us the sincere person that you are. As different as our lives are, I find myself repeatedly relating to you (besides our common taste in sexy footwear.) And that's what this is all about; relating to someone in a way that's much deeper than a physical encounter. You're one of my favorite reads, and more importantly, one of the most confident, kick ass girl in the blogging community.

Alexa said: 'Some of you have asked me how much it would cost to become my client. While I'm flattered by your requests, I need to keep my online world and my offline world completely separate.'

I know exactly what you mean. It's nice to have a place where you can relax, where it's not business 24 hours a day, where you don't have to be the persona you've created to succeed in the business you've chosen. Sometimes you need time off from the clients, not more of them. It reminds me of a business trip I took to Argentina, they met me at the airport and took me out to dinner and half way through I tried to talk about our arrangement and the gentleman laughed, and said, oh please, not here. We never discuss business over dinner. This time is just for us, to get to know each other.

That chick Allyson who called you a high class whore if a fucking loser. Anyone who judges someone based on their profession deserves to be where they are. She's probably 50 lbs over weight sitting at home curling up with a pint of haagen daaz while watching reruns of Ally Macbeal wondering "WHY GOD WHY CAN'T I FIND A GOOD MAN!" Here's the deal, take Kayne's workout plan, get off the couch, make yourself up a little, stop bitching about people who you envy because they are able to have a little happiness in their lives, and get your own peace of heaven already god dammit.

Sorry to rant on your comments like this, but dumb bitches sometimes have to be set straight. Everyone makes decisions in their lives that they either enjoy or regret. Whatever it is though, it's our decisions to make and anyone who judges them should look to their past before throwing down the gauntlet. sometimes our careers get to us. I feel like I'm selling my soul to pay my bills sometimes, but then i look back and see that i really don't mind what I do for a living. It's not what I always dreamed about, but it's what I do. And I don't regret the path I take, i only regret that i had to give up so much to make it.

keep up the good work alexa. Your writing is gold.

I was immediately reminded of a scene in the movie 'Klute' starring Jane Fonda (she won an Oscar for it).

In the middle of a session with a client, she checks her watch behind his head. Classic.....

It's in the eyes, Alexa, and can't be hidden. Nor ever lost once gained.

Don't let yourself get that look. You know the one. I saw it happen to a friend years ago. I never truly got over it.

Understand it completely. I fell in love with an incredible woman that I found out made a living as a stripper (at a high class establishment). She told me early on, and it wasn't a problem for me. Yet, she could never come to grip with the fact that I loved HER. Try as I might to convince her, she failed to grasp that as great as her legs, ass, face, stomache were, I found her much more beautiful than her shell. Its very hard to sell your body and keep your soul. I still miss her today.

*tear* You had me at hello ;) Yeah, I don't wanna know what you look like, it would ruin it.

Glad that you have found a place to be yourself and keep yourself whole. I feel like my blog does the same for me.

Thank you for clearing that up so that all the desperate prepubescent fruitcakes who kept asking about how they became a client can now just be pointed here.

Keeping your online and offline worlds is a good idea. Mine was a good seperate world, too, until the local paper decided to feature some local blogs -- mine and others. My employer wondered what the hell was going on, but I justified it by saying that everybody here takes smoking breaks, I take blogging breaks (and probably for less time).

Anyway, keep up the great site, and I'll still be here reading.

hi everyone, thanks so much for your thoughts - even those who are hating on me! i love the fact that people have real discussions on this blog. positive or negative, i really enjoy reading all of your comments!!

xoxo,
alexa

We all wear masks and keep private thoughts about dreams, ambitions, wants and needs. In a lot of ways that is why most people start up blogs that tell about their thoughts. Keeping the two apart, but being able to express each is probably a healthy thing. I don't see the difference between job and personal life/blog separation even if this was about a Walmart cashier who hates the job and writes about what they see and think about and want away from the daily grind. Or some corporate cog who hates the grinding, soulless job but likes the money, hates going home to an empty life. We all have secrets and need to keep them, all have lives we want kept apart.

Rigel seemed to have it right. He and I, and I suspect others, are reading this because you are an open-minded woman, and we get a glimpse inside that woman -- your brain, not your body. The fact that you have a pretty face, flat stomach, nice ass (or however you put it) is all good, but it's secondary. And to the haters, even if you're selling your body, you're not selling your soul. And it's just small pieces of your body. We've all heard of a piece of ass. Being self-employed myself, I know how you can be much happier making a living on your own terms. Finally, if we have to ask, we can't afford you anyway.

"It reminds me of a business trip I took to Argentina, they met me at the airport and took me out to dinner and half way through I tried to talk about our arrangement and the gentleman laughed, and said, oh please, not here. We never discuss business over dinner. This time is just for us, to get to know each other." This is so true for all humans---commerce is necessary but civility is the fundamental sweetness we long for. It doesn't much matter what we all do to earn our keep---it is how we treat each other that counts. Love, in as simple a notion as saying thanks, or as profound in cradling your dying lover, springs from a depth common to us all. And isn't it interesting that this concept is easy to express in the abstract---on the web---more difficult with our lovers?

You’re an escort, until you have sex, then you’re a prostitute. If you kept it to just social functions and got paid for your company for dinners and parties and such then got paid at the end and went home, you’re an escort. The moment you get into bed or have any kind of sex or anything sexually related, you’re a prostitute, plain and simple. I have been a prostitute since I was 18 yrs old, I am now 23. I have worked the streets and traveled the circuit with other girls, I know the life of prostitution very well even the escort side of it, which is just advertised prostitution instead of the corner and a car it is a your home and a phone. I don’t enjoy being a prostitute it gets very sick at times and I have cried many many times over it, not just because of having sex with men I normally wouldn’t but because of the times I have been physically hurt, raped and robbed, nothing like being choked or having a knife at your throat to make you think , “ok! This is it, if I get out of this I won’t do it again” Then finding yourself right back out there, because where else are you going to make 1000s to 2000’s dollars a day? I would be lucky to make 70 in a day with a real job. I have never seen you, I don’t know what you look like, I just have to take your word for it that your beautiful, but beauty don’t last in this game, because there is always another 100 girl coming up behind you. I am lucky I look 18 at 23, but then again I get the ones that are looking for young girls. Every man wants a young girl. He is not taking me home, I am disposable, until the next time he wants me.

Dear Alexa,
sometimes it's funny how one finds something or somebody. I came across your link a week or so ago and yes, out of curiousity started to read. I didn't have all the background on who this person behind these entries is. But one think that I picked up rather quick was that this is a deep person with lots of emotions and feelings, sometimes maybe unable to express them in ways she would like. It kept my interest and I continued to read over most of your entries. I haven't gone through all of them - maybe I will. What I have learned about this person is that she has a job like me, there are things she likes about it and thinks she doesn't. She cannot always be the person she would like to be - but then who can? I don't think people here would appreciate me turning up my music even louder, listen to my stories all day long etc. So we all have a working face or mask and can't always show our real "me". I have also learned that even though it seems such a glamorous job, it can be boring and lonely. Don't we all want this other person next to us to share our thoughts, feelings and even fears with? Don't we all just want some piece of security, partnership, understanding and acceptance?

Yes, I have wondered about what you look like. I think that's normal human behaviour. You start to read about somebody and you would like to put a picture to the words. Is it important? No, it's not -- does it help to see a picture? Maybe, but I think it's more for phantasy purposes. It doesn't really matter what one looks like, isn't the personality what keeps the interest and the flame alive?

I can relate to many things you say - some I cannot simple because I am a man and I don't have your same experience. But I enjoy your blogs and you opening up like this. C'mon, we are all in some way a voyeur and exhebitionist. It's ok.

I hope you are in the profession you are because you enjoy not just for the money.

This is the first time I have visited this site. It seem to me you have alot more to offer the world then to just be an escort. I imagain you are much like your clients you just want a man for the purpose of what your clients want you for. I dont believe there is anything wrong with that however I could never be one of your clients, I am not like that. My hope is that you don't long for a real lasting relationship because if you do it seems to me you are a perfect fit aside from your profession. People seem to love you for who you are on this site regardless of the issues with your profession. You have an impact on people I have not seen from other blogs and I have seen alot of blogs, its my hoby to read blogs, I love the phycology behind them. With this I believe with your beauty and your brains you can go anywere and do anything with you life.

One burning curiosity I have is about how you were raised as a child and the great and horrible events you expierenced growing up. I would like to hear about that on your blog if you havent wrote about it all ready.

Thank you for your time.

I just read daddys little girl and it answered some of my questions. Please don't judge all men because of your father, I see that way to often in women your age, it has ruined many of their lives. Most all of them also had a very religious upbringing. I believe a large part of you is in the profession you are in to get back at your father and this saddens me because you are much better than that.

p.s. I think your father should be shot for doing what he has done to you and your family.

sorry just one question to think about.

Why, if you hate/dislike your father so much, do you make a profession out of catering to men just like him?

I dont think your readers are that different than you. More or less everybody is treated like meat at the workplace..Its an unfair world ,we all have problems and would like to accompish areselves and probably thats why i have no judgement on what u do...Im a fireman in a big european city (this is probably not the right place to say this shit..here goes anyway)
while most people love firemen, some people
throw things like friges out there windows at us and expect us to risk are lives to save them the next day(and beleive it or not i can live with that..)
and then much more mild are those people that u have as custumers... corporate bankers lawyers last but not least polititions...money and power
makes most of them assholes..what we can do for them..only think about themselves..what im trying to say is the only difference they would see in us 2 is you have a pussy and a nice female body to go with it...we are not PRODUCTIVE to them (we dont make them richer or more powerfull) thats the only thing they truely have interest $$ in..
Well Alexia to me the only thing wrong with what you do...is not accomplishing yourself..and u wont till u give up the 500$ shoe thing..
its like an abusive relationship..feels good but never gonna really be happy while in it...
For some reason i think u already know this..
and yes of course im really broke..lol
We all know being broke doesnt make us happy either.
Your unconditional love of $$ and what it brings u is what is gonna slowly kill u...unless u deal with it.
Consolation; and take my word on this...(although
it doesnt come close of dying of an orgasm) its still a comfortable way to go..compaired to some...
I just think that in your case, $ might hold u back... this blog is probably the best thing for u in a long time..
This probably sounds "demagogique" it's a least worth a thought.
Good luck ...2 u all,got nothing but love (even for ba ba ban banke ..ers..lol)

and excuse my english ;)

I think we "wear masks," "put on a show," "hide in a role" when we want something from someone. In essence we cheat ourselves and the other person to get a short term gain: money, power, adulation, etc. Prostitution is maybe the most obvious example (among innumberable ones) since the prostitute roleplays for money and the clients for their short term pleasure. If either party was actually open and honest the whole transaction would fall apart -- just like many transactions in the workplace. The justification is usually something like "well they are roleplaying too," or they "know we are playing a game."

Your very honest and revealing comment that it is "slowing killing you" is the right reason to stop. It's also the same reason each of us in our day-to-day lives must try to let go of the roles we play and masks we wear. Life is too short for such games.

What are your plans after the escort business? Do you have an exit strategy? Want to hear what you've thought about it. Excuse me if you've commented on this before. I've not had time to burrow too deep into your blog.

Your writing is brilliant ...

To completely open up, in this civilization is amost always risky, as we invariably subject ourself to needless rejection ... yet the the obvious axiomatic irony is that to completely open up is vital and essential to our wellbeing

You have accomplished that, Alexa.

Kudos and commendations!

I couldn't get through all of these comments, but at least one (Allyson) pissed me off. May I quote Pat Califia who said it so well: "...men hate [a whore] because... they get men to part with some of their property instead of becoming property themselves... The whore does not sell her body. She sells her time." We all sell are time no matter what profession we're in. Get over yourself, Allyson. I hope some of the more ignorant readers don't get you even more down, Alexa. Keep your head high!

Alexa, as a matter of interest, how much WOULD it cost? This is just out of curiosity, not with a view to becoming your client - I live 3,500 miles away in another country after all. I'm just curious. I would guess around $500 a time but tell me if I'm wrong.

I think a lot of jobs can be emotionally demanding or draining. I'm sorry your job has been getting you down so much, Alexa. I work with dying people and as much as I love my job (and don't suffer the stigma you do), I feel like there are times it gets me down and I feel I've given too much of myself. I hope you find other things from your life to give you energy and to feed your soul. It's so important no matter what you do. And as for the ignorant corporate comments, personally, working for a corrupt corporation that takes advantage of third world workers or pollutes our environment would eat my soul much faster than escorting ever could. Be proud.

You had me at , "rant against the machine".

What a way to put it.

Stick with the porn, Agent Mulder.

Poetic.

Oh memories... Alexa, just the perfect pick :) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I need a place where I can go,
Where I can whisper what I know,
Where I can whisper who I like
And where I go to see them.

I need a place where I can hide,
Where no one sees my life inside,
Where I can make my plans, and write them down
So I can read them.

A place where I can bid my heart be still
And it will mind me.
A place where I can go when I am lost,
And there I'll find me.

I need a place to spend the day,
Where no one says to go or stay,
Where I can take my pen and draw
The girl I mean to be.................

Having known a few escorts (as a friend, not as a client, I'm just a poor boy), I can relate on how you want to keep the two worlds seperate. We all have two worlds, our work-a-day and our home world, just like escorts. Don't be judgemental on Alexa'a profession.

Absolutely Real and Incredible view of the mind

and any lunatic out there could just email you and said "i'm dying and i have only 3 days left. i've been reading your journal forever and my last wish is to meet you in person".

Alexa

Why are you so afraid to be yourself when it seems as though being yourself is the one thing that you continue to hope for, to strive for? Is money and the feeling of an alternate reality really more alluring than really living your life the way you really want to live it?