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A New York Escorts Confessions
Poops!… I Did It Again!
Oh my god, the most embarrassing experience of my life happened last week!
The whole affair started out well enough. My phone rings at four, while I’m inspecting the newest baubles and clothes at Henri Bendel on 5th Ave with my girlfriend. Still in the pair of Paper Denim jeans that I was trying on, I answer. There’s no time to finish buttoning the shirt. The voice on the other end of the line has a slight European accent, and I’ve never heard it before.
He introduces himself as a friend of one of my clients and tells me that he’ll fly into the city a couple days later. He wants to schedule a 3-hour session that will include dinner. I happily agree — now my jeans and earrings are paid for — and take his cell phone number so that we can finalize the details later.
I arrive at the Soho Grand Hotel promptly at 6PM because I hate waiting for other people who are late and thus try my best to be on time when meeting clients. I find M sitting in the Grand Bar. Although we’d never met before, M provided me with a very good description — how many men still wear bowties? After sipping a cosmo and making small talk about his favorite places in New York, we walk to a small Italian restaurant in Soho and return to his elegantly appointed room.
M pleasantly surprises me upon our return with a chilled bottle of champagne and a single rose. That’s when my problems begin.
While drinking the champagne and cozying up on the couch, I feel a slow buildup of gas in my stomach. I try my best to suppress it.
Earlier in the day, my friends and I ate lunch at an Indian restaurant. We all love curry and chicken tikka masala, but I usually eat the milder versions. Today, my friends convince me to try them with more spices. Although quite challenging, the spices add a nice kick to the food. Now, those spices are coming back with a vengeance.
I feel the pressure continue to build, clench my butt and silently pray that it will just go away, but all of those hours working out my butt at the Equinox are useless as the pressure gets stronger. Thoughts of escape crowd out all other thoughts. I can’t focus on anything else and instead excuse myself to the bathroom to freshen up.
Over the toilet, I peel off my stockings, hike up my mini skirt, drop my thong and pull my cheeks apart to minimize any sound. Thankfully, my body silently releases the gases. Relief at last!
While I was busy, M had turned down the lights, lit several candles and started playing a quiet jazz CD. Normally, this atmosphere would put me right in the mood. I’m still tense from the little bathroom run though. M senses my tenseness and massages my neck and back to relieve the pressure.
Then it suddenly strikes again, but I have no time to run to the bathroom. A small fart escapes from my body with a low hiss. M doesn’t hear the hiss but grimaces when the cloud of noxious odors hits his nose. Mortified, I flee to the bathroom and return to the toilet.
This time, I’m not just releasing gas. Rather, I’m now suffering from a real case of the runs and it burns my ass on the way out because of those damn spices! In a vain attempt to conceal the toilet splashing, I perform a couple courtesy flushes.
Complete buzzkill.
By the time I emerge from the bathroom, the lights are on, the candles are no longer burning and the room is silent. Red-faced and flustered, I let M know that we should probably continue some other time. He agrees and I retreat to my apartment in a taxi.
I hope that M didn’t use the bathroom for some time. The toilet may have been clean when I left, but the whole bathroom reeked!
Note to self: never ever eat Indian food before a date…
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confessionsComments
Not wanting to be cruel, but that really was a funny story. So many blogging escorts write funny stories about their clients, it's refreshing to hear one with the butt on the other side :)
Joe
Posted by Joe on Sep 21 11:31PMSometimes our physicality is a sensual trigger. The smell of your skin, the taste of your lips, the weight of a breast... Sometimes it's the emergency brakes! At least you didn't end up re-enacting "Along Came Polly".
I think you handled it well in the circumstances. And a good tikka masala is worth the risk. :-)
Posted by Ben on Sep 21 11:45PMAlexa,
The same thing has happend to me right before a date, not a professional "date", but just a date between two civilians, non paid! Anyhow, I have learned to stay away from Indian food before big events, and also, watch out for Thai. When they say mild, they mean scorching! Nice blog! I use to be a big fan of Belle de Jour, but she's called it quits on her blogging, and then there's Laura's Happy Hooking blog www.happyhooking.blogspot.com , but she's retired, at least temporarily, from her work, so I have a void that needs to be filled, and yours is perfect. You are funny, witty, and very articulate. Keep up the good work, we are awaiting your posts anxiously!
Posted by Alexis on Sep 22 02:07AMIt's funny but also supposed to be quite painful to you and M. I think I'm getting addicted to your stories.. :)
Posted by mountainbread on Sep 22 03:49AMAlexa I'm sorry but I can't help but laugh, that was too good. What happens in a case like that, when your date is cut short? Do they get a raincheck? I can only imagine what was going through his head LOL
Posted by Kim on Sep 22 05:30AMthat's frickin hilarious! lol
wow, i would never go see that client if i were you. that's the worst that could have happened i think.
Posted by Zisk on Sep 22 07:10AMOh dear, that's hysterical. You do realize that a market exists for girls who can provide that particular service. Would you want to be known for great farts??
K
Posted by Kim on Sep 22 09:39AMOh, man, that sucks. I don't know if I could face him again if I were you ;-)
Posted by Dawn on Sep 22 11:00AMlol. it's amusing now that about a week has passed. at the time, it was pretty painful. whew. never again.
oh, in case you're wondering, i did give M some of his money back because i felt really bad. his friend hasn't called me since. not that i blame him.
Posted by alexa on Sep 22 01:14PMAlexa:
Sorry for your stomach eruption. I know how mortifying that is and being married to someone with sensitive nose I have had the lights turned back on by some gas that found its way out of my butt.
Still that story was hysterical.
Posted by Phin on Sep 22 02:09PMlol, and after all that you still remember to give me two name checks in your links ;-) I don't think we should go there where swapping anecdotes on this subject are concerned. Great post.
Posted by Steve on Sep 22 04:16PMi am so sorry that happened. it is so embarrassing yet funny at the same time.
Posted by matt on Sep 22 05:41PMI have been directed to your site by two different friends and I happen upon this post! I am cracking up! What a great story!
Posted by Lili on Sep 22 07:40PMWell at least you didn't release round two all over him. He should have at least been thankful for that.
Posted by Frankenblog on Sep 23 03:12PMAwesome! Great story and thanks for sharing - it happens to the best of us. Thats one reason why its nice to be married - "Sorry honey, got the runs."
Posted by Jerry on Sep 23 03:16PMAlthough I wouldn't want it to happen to me, I can't help but wonder, why should something so perfectly natural be so perfectly humiliating?
Posted by Zee on Sep 24 03:55PMWow girl, that sounds HOT! I wish that I was this guy, because I would have followed you into the bathroom and pushed my face up into your ass when you pulled your ass-cheeks apart to fart! Oh lord how sexy! Ahhh, he didn't even know what he missed. High-class bastard.. heh.
Posted by fartsniffer on Sep 26 12:25AMYou should have asked him if he wanted you to poop on his chest. I myself have had a women crap on my stomach, and let me tell you, it's a beautiful feeling. Doesn't taste too bad either. Nothing like making love while covered in human feces.
Posted by shiteater on Sep 26 04:20PMI loved the story!!!..
I think an ad company has stolen your story!!! Make sure i get a cut when you sue them
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link also at http://www.yourdirtymind.com/
Posted by Andy on Oct 4 08:49PMI can completely relate to this story -- well, sort of -- I've been in very important meetings and about to present, when suddenly I'm hit with sharp pains in the abdomen -- and I just gotta go --- I've held up meetings for longer than the courtesy 5 minute bio break --- and everyone knows --- but oh well -- when ya gotta go - ya gotta go, right? Great story...
Posted by bob on Oct 16 09:24AM
You have great expressive humour ...
You could save some of that good gas for me, as I run my vehicles on CH4 methane ... which burns by the way, at an octane of 130.
Good gas!
Grin.
hahha this is so funny! Damn! So I have been doing it all wrong?! I usually just try my hardest to control the gas and release it slowly. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it creates this whistling sound. I gotta try spreading buttcheek method. LOL
Love your blog!
Doodlinggal
Posted by doodlinggal on Nov 17 10:32AMAlways walk with a small bottle of Angostura bitters for situations like this. 1 oz in 2ozs of water or drink straight. It's bitter but stops runnings and cramping.
Also for hot Indian dishes have yogurt or ice cream after to dull the spices.
Your account was hilarious.
"oh, in case you're wondering, i did give M some of his money back because i felt really bad. his friend hasn't called me since. not that i blame him."
Dork! Farting is human! Everyone farst. Farting girls are kewl.
Posted by opec on Aug 10 06:22PMHa ha. they have a kids book called everyone farts. You should get it.
Would love to hear from you about your favorite NYC shoe stores. We are building a shoe shopping directory.
And we can pay you in clear shoe boxes
xoxo,
Shoelover - No, I am not a guy with a shoe fetish, just a chick who likes shoes
Posted by shoelover on Oct 29 11:18AMPost a Comment
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about me
So why am I writing this blog? I have an inner exhibitionist that just needs to be let out. I've always wanted to bare myself completely in front of strangers but have always been held back by fear.
As strange as it may sound, I've never really truly bared myself in front of any of my clients. For all that they've seen, they've never seen me be me. And for all that I've seen, I simply need to share it with you!
So why should you come? To be tantalized and teased. To get release by knowing the true me.
I promise that I won't bite, and if I do bite, I'll make sure you like it!
my favorite posts
- Caveat Vendor - Part II
- Selling Out (Part III)
- Poops!... I Did It Again!
- My First Escorting Experience
- My First Lesbian Experience
- Daddy's Little Girl (Part II)
- Selling Out (Part III)
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Similar thing happened to me once. I no longer eat sushi on a date. And I try to limit my Indian intake to once a month or so. Which is too bad, really: Indian is just about the only food done well in this hell-hole of a college town...
Posted by Andrew Cory on Sep 21 11:04PM