You're an excellent writer. Sorry about the experiences that created the content of this post.

Love your writing, and what strong emotions were bound to sex for you - fear, anger, shame, guilt, conflict between pleasure and guilt, and struggle with your sexuality.
I too, was sent to a Catholic school, but none of the above. Why?
I have synesthesia, a lucky-for-me crossover of senses. I see colors in letters and numbers. So the black and white of every printed page, and the blurred wordsounds when people spoke, were bright like a cottage garden in Summer!
The colours gave me a natural memory system which helped me read, spell and remember words very well. And they hid the deafness from me, my parents, everyone. The colors and my deafness cocooned me, kept me free and innocent of the ‘conditioning’ most people have, free from being told what I should feel about my life, free from word control and word crap.

Sex happened at 9, in a beautiful house surrounded by water, as in a vision I had at three, and shone a golden light over my whole life. Sex was always something safe, pure and good.

Harlotry my work, gave me healing, including the miracle of full hearing. Now I can hear the world, I hear the negative emotions that bind people to sex, that they, like you, try to free themselves from. I’m lucky I experienced my life and sex as I experienced it, not hearing how I was ‘supposed’ feel about it.

The only effect I had from Catholicism was being ‘on retreat’. Strangely I’ve just posted about this.

Hi Alexa, I just stumbled onto your blog. I get the feeling that you're as much fun to talk to as you are in any other capacity! I think I'll be following your adventures from up here in Toronto for quite some time...

Your writings remind me of a Woody Allen short story called "The Whore of Mensa" (link below) that you might find amusing. Here's an excerpt:
----
"I'm on the road a lot. You know how it is - lonely. Oh, not what you're thinking. See, Kaiser, I'm basically an intellectual. Sure, a guy can meet all the bimbos he wants. But the really brainy women - they're not so easy to find on short notice."

"Keep talking."

"Well, I heard of this young girl. Eighteen years old. A Yassar student. For a price, she'll come over and discuss any subject - Proust, Yeats, anthropology. Exchange of ideas. You see what I'm driving at?"

"Not exactly."

"I mean my wife is great, don't get me wrong. But she won't discuss Pound with me. Or Eliot. I didn't know that when I married her. See, I need a woman who's mentally stimulating, Kaiser. And I'm willing to pay for it. I don't want an involvement - I want a quick intellectual experience, then I want the girl to leave. Christ, Kaiser, I'm a happily married man."

http://woodyallenitalia.tripod.com/short-uk.html
---

Let me relate to you the story of Onan the way I was taught in Catholic school:

Onan’s brother died without leaving a male heir. According to Hebrew Law, Onan was then compelled to impregnate his brother’s widow, the child of that union would be legally considered Onan’s Brother’s child...

Of course, to impregnate the widow, he had to have lots of sex with her. Onan liked this idea, and didn’t want to end the sex. Therefore, he pulled out to avoid knocking up the widow. Onan’s sin was therefore not masturbation, not merely “spilling the seed’, but rather good, old fashioned adultery, made worse because he was taking advantage of a loophole in the law to do so...

When the brothers (that is, the Monks who taught us) ended this story, the said basically so jerk off all you want. Just don’t knock anyone up...

I sometimes wonder how different this world would be if everyone learned that story the way I did...

As a one-time student of Christian theology (I have since moved on and returned to the truth I first knew, in Native American and Eastern philosophy and belief) I learned/read and interpreted the story of Onan not as a condemnation for masturbation, but as a "lesson" in disobeying g_d.
I like Andrew's take on it as well... or I would if that was still my path I guess.

Not that it matters... there is freedom in being lose from all that, however we reach it. Reaching it by pain is not easy... but very few things worth it are, and freedom is most certainly worth anything.

Somehow got here, and I like my fellow canadian will be reading you often. You've got a witty, spunky way of writing that is compelling.
You said before how you could tell your father what you do. But it sounds as though he wouldn't have the right to look down upon what you are. Be proud of what you are doing. You're safe, you're obviously having fun, and you're living in the best city out there.
Don't fear, even though the Bible may have pounded that into you. I only wish I had it in me...and hell, obviously the looks you have, to be so open with it.

After reading your story, I can't blame you for rejecting your family's religion. But I wonder what, if any, sense of spirituality you have now -- even if it's only something vague. Do you ever sense a spiritual dimension to your profession, such as when you make your clients say, "Oh, God"?

andrew, i wish that i'd learned your version of the onan story. i might have learned the joys of sex earlier then! :)

your writing is brilliant!!! I get a good laugh everytime i read your blog. this entry is probably my favorite- very touchy and an excellent writing.
I used to buy a book to read good stories, but your blog is way better than most books i've read. Thanks.

Do you really think that there's much of a future in what you are doing? The longer you do this, the less of a chance that you will ever have a real and loving relationship in your life. Why do you continue to let your father screw up your life every day?

Yeah, I came from a really religous family as well and I understand.( I was mortified when I fist masterbated yet facinated as to how far my cum shot out). Making money is cool, but isn't the one drawback about your proffession that as you get older you loose clients etc? One last thought is that you hate your dad for cheating on your mom; but do you know if your clients are cheating on their wives with you?

I popped into your web blog site this afternoon, intrigued ... and to understand more, as understanding is the universal solvent.

I just read your Daddy's Little Girl Part I & II and once again I see that you have the remarkable ability to effectively communicate the very essence of your beingness ... you could, if you wanted to ... write a bestseller ... or an award winning screenplay.

You are that good.

The reason I say this is that you touch my soul with your soul through your communication.

There are ... in this world we share ... parents who are good and do care, and there are other parents who are not good and do not care.

What may be true about this ... at least to some degree ... is that parents who are good and do care do know who they really are ... and those parents who are not good and do not care ... do not really know who they really are ... as they themselves are forever lost souls.

You are a beautiful soul Alexa ... do continue ...

found myself fixated over your blogs and it's content.

i guess men are all pigs.

and as hard as it for me to say this, i'll just try to be a better pig than most pigs around me.

so far so good, i would say. ;-)

That was disturbing. Not about the sex, but how your father and his affair and subsequent messy divorce mirrored my own family. We were just like your family and all hell broke loose when my father's infidelity was discovered.

You have here a brother in spirit if you need one.

Thank you so much for this posting.

I recently went through a divorce and it makes me more determined than ever not to lose the respect of my daughter in the process. Fortunately that should not be as hard for me as it was for your father.

Your story reminds me of Archdeacon Claude Frollo in "The Hunchbak of Notre Dame". He was a very devoted man, who when he was conventional was completely dedicated to doing "good" and when he became sexually obesssed with Esmeralda was equally dedicated to his passion. He was also learned, passionate, and imaginative person looking for hidden meaning and used sex as a way of finding that meaning.

Is this a fair comment?

It saddens me when I hear of others who have gone through a similar experience to what you endured. After his death (from natural causes) a few years ago, my mother finally told me of my fathers repeated affairs and 'wanderings'. when she told me i was totally shocked as he had always presented himself as a decent and honest human being to the community at large. behind the closed doors of our house however, he displayed very little love or affection to my mum and regularly delittled her whilst in the prescence of others. this was something i couldnt understand and for a while even began to believe that this was how all families worked. when my mum finally told me the truth everything began to make sense about the way our house worked. so now im unfortunately in the position of having the stongest urge to confront him coupled with the desire to cut him out of my life completely yet prevented from doing so without the aid of a spiritual medium! one thing i have learned from this experience is how to live my life. when i come across a situation, problem, temnptation or whatever, i think about what he would do and then do the exact opposite. seems to be working so far!

Alexa I think your just fabulous. I really enjoy reading your blog.
I'm sorry for your pain-i've been through those times as well.
Keep up your wonderful work =)
Your newest fan,
sinzx

hi alexa
i accept your truth. it is your self realisation. life is full of struggle. i am sure your experiences are interesting and creative as well.

You're not a hypocrite ...just participating in the irony of life. Sorry to hear about your family troubles.You're in the best city in the world for variety. Find your spot in life soon...time flies.
take care

I am suprised you went the route of hooking, seeing that your dad fucked around behind your mother. You hate him for what he did yet you do that to women every day. You are the PYT now. You break up marriages, relationships, lives all for your Prada and Gucci. Is it really worth it?

Does it bother you to see a ring on their finger knowing that their wife is home thinking they're at the office? Do you have any idea how much it hurts a woman knowing that their man looks at escort sites, writes them, sees them? Do you know that some of these hookers have diseases and are putting the wives at risk? Do you care?

I'm sure you're smart and have multiple talents. Sex is great and being fee is great, but you're hurting a lot of people. If the men were 100% single, then do what you want. But I'm sure they're not.

Not preaching religion. Not preaching censorship. Instead step back one day while you're getting fucked and think about someone else instead of your hundreds. It's just not worth it. Get into something less harmful like nude modeling online or making films. At least no one is getting hurt by the intimate contact.

But I'm sure you'll blow this off and tell me to fuck off and die. Or that I'm some fat, old, jealous bitch. Or even that I MADE my relationship stray. None of that is true. I'm probably like you in a lot of aspects, except money isn't #1 in my life and I think before I act.

Besides, one day you'll get the client that just degrades you to the point of being nothing or worse. None of it is worth it.

So the next client you get, think of your dad. It's essentially him all over.

Hello. Found your site while checking out Blogrolling's Hot500.

Wow! Saddened by this story and wish you the best in all your future endevours.

I'm sure you don't need this but ... I want to say it. A couple of commenters, anon last and most explicitly, have suggested that you participate in doing to other women what was done to your own mother.

You have'nt responded to that - probably because you're comfortable that you needn't. But, whether they'd benefit or not, a couple of your readers should, at least, hear a different perspective. Actually, I wrote for an hour then deleted what boils down to this.

I suspect that you have contributed to the longevity and health, not only of some of your clients but, also, that of their marriages.

Had your father the self-knowledge and self respect to seek or the good fortune to encounter a woman like you, he and your mom might have grown old and rich in love together.

Clearly, you would not want to destroy another woman's life or, even, her relationship with her husband.

I wonder, do you ever think that way? Do you have knowledge that makes you smile in that context? I suspect as much.

"So the next client you get, think of your dad. It's essentially him all over."

Well, the next client who's cheating on someone, that is. Not all of us are!

That aside, part of the problem is the Judeo-Christian-whatever view of marriage and fidelity. It works for some, and I'm likely to be one of them, since -- having experience my parent's divorce -- I can't conceive of cheating on someone myself (consensual swinging perhaps, though I've never felt the need for that either).

But many if not most people have sexual urges that have nothing to do with having kids, or engaging in a stable enduring partnership. People also have emotional needs that aren't satisfied by their life partner, no matter how important that partner is to them. That's one reason why, for example, people confide in therapists. Does this invalidate their partner? No. Why then should having sex with someone -- in many ways a far less intimate and trusting activity?

Betrayal is bad. But I don't thing that extra-marital sex or prostitutes necesarily lead to betrayal. There are a lot of things wrong with how the business of prostitution gets done in practice, but being anti-marriage isn't one of them. Not if all parties concerned are smart enough to realize that dicks and cunts are no substitute for love, friendship, and trust -- and conversely that love and friendship can't always trump the million-year-old urges of our hindbrain.

Reading your story really brought back some memorys. The whole thing happened exactly to me but for the opposite sex. My mother was the one that ran off and fucked everybody over. Even the mastibation thing for a good couple of years i belived i was doing some kind of sin every time i jurked off. Even the sex. I am basiclly a male prostitute. Maybe there is something in it.

im sorry about your dad being a stupid shit and do you still finger yourself

im sorry about your dad being a stupid shit and do you still finger yourself

im sorry about your dad being a stupid shit and do you still finger yourself

im sorry about your dad being a stupid shit and do you still finger yourself

im sorry about your dad being a stupid shit and do you still finger yourself

Wow.